boatloads

so i hoped you liked the roomies post. i have gotten several emails from the old roomies asking why they were not mentioned. i believe the sub-category i implied under memorable roommates was "the ones i don't keep up with." believe me, if we have a story, it will be posted on here at some point. when you least expect it. bwa-hahaha...i might even link the post to my fb wall and tag you in it. time to unfriend...?

friday night i babysat a friend's kids so she and her husband can have a night out before they leave town for six weeks for one of her husband's projects. i should also mention she is 32 weeks pregnant. they are flying to and from. and they have two kids. i sit here in awe of how stressed she must feel despite her really showing it. how stressed i would feel. that doesn't say much, as my own capacity for motherhood, much less the prospect of #2 anytime soon, seems way too small for where i should be at this point and completely overwhelms me...and i have more issues than that statement enlightens at this time.  it has less to do with the kid and more to do with the iceberg i feel in my soul right now.

i had a conversation with the bestie and her hubs last weekend about shame and guilt. and this week my thoughts have been a mulled wine spiced with those aromas. i see how so much of my decisions and attitudes come from that place. i see it in my history, my present and am damned if i will let it continue into my future, and especially with Ellers. the question is how? how do i let these things bubble up and not spill all over the place? a wise woman once told me that we all give our kids reasons to go to counseling, we might as well pay for it. this is true...and why Ellery will thank me for not putting money away for her college. so yeah, shame and guilt. the guilt i get, having been raised a good little Southerner (& baptist at the time too). it is ingrained alongside my Emily Post lessons, often motivating that thank you note for such gracious hospitality. we Southerners are even to be grateful for that guilt-ridden upbringing b/c to call out such guilt-imbibed commentary on living is to be riddled with more for even thinking such. why i would never...

which leaves shame. this one is trickier for me. my parents were champions of their kids and all that we did, so it's not something that i think came from my parents at all. i mean, c'mon. in reading the last post, there are mentions of things any lady should feel shameful about, but i'm talking about a deeper sense of shame than situational. i'm not sure the shame was something i learned as much as i applied from my place in life. as for any kid, middle and high school were hard for me. but i was a fat kid. albeit, one who lost a lot of weight from about 8th-10th grade...a lot of weight. i had finally had it with the teasing and the names and such and just owned it. i was great at losing weight once i got started. and bonus, i got attention. especially from boys. and even better, from girls who were now okay being my friend now that i looked like them. it got harder to maintain in college, so i lost a lot of that guy attention, so to speak. thankfully, i had finally found real girlfriends and women i knew i could trust.  and then after college, a huge slap in the face regarding weight happened alongside the end of my first engagement. at that moment, i felt more betrayed than i ever had in my entire life. someone knowing my greatest struggle and the crux of rejection for me, and using as a reason to leave. that is where i find shame. and everything that stems from weight, body image, anything. not because of that one incident (which turned out involving a serious addiction to porn by the obviously way-off-base ex-fiance), but the series of it all...of repeating patterns related to it. and the new crop of lies i like to run to now that i've had a kid. Poor Ashley--on so many levels. haha. he is not only fighting with me, but so much more often is he fighting with all the voices in my head and the shame i let drag me around by my tail. i realize as an adult i should be able to just get over it and move on, but that's exactly what i'm talking about. i don't go through my back story everyday like i did here. but the shameful way of thinking i learned from it still wants to whisper that i'm so off track it's ridiculous. it tempts me to quit from the moment i get up some days. in all of it, shame tells me i'm not good enough. i don't deserve good, so why try...why try at life? i'm not saying that i believe these thoughts, but i'm not ignoring that they happen. i want to believe that i'm not alone in thinking that, either. and i do want to try. even if just for Ellery's sake in this season of life. i don't want to pass this along. body image alone and all that comes for it for girls is unbearably hard at times in our culture and i can't shelter her from that as much as i can model (and sincerely believe) that we are not defined by our outward or how others value our outward, and not fall prey to lies and shame. i want us to both believe the Voice that is bigger and more important than ours.

whew. i'm not sure i knew i was thinking all of that. thanks for letting me process. typing this out is really theraputic for me, so remind me of your address and i'll send you a check.