the ballad of love and hate

I know several of you may have been shocked to finally find a new post on our neglected little blog when you opened your google reader. I'm a little shocked to be blogging. I don't really have a reason to write much of an update on here. This summer has turned out to be much busier than I had intended it to be. I guess I'm a little thankful for that in some ways, but being that I feel so stressed with it, I'm not sure it's worth it. This isn't really the type of situation I was looking for with my "small business." I'm not sure what I'm looking for out of this situation other than helping out financially when I can. I love being able to help out with our finances.

As far as this little blog, I enjoy being able to put the general update out there...to not be as forgotten as we feel for those of you who care to read what we write. I hope to be able to catch up with those whom I miss the most on a more personal level and fall so short of even responding to most of my emails in any given week being that I get more than about 50 per day at this point. 

I think the longer I go without putting anything out there, the less inclined I am to start up again. Much like my exercise regime. It's usually accompanied by a huge *sigh.* ...with potential failure and judgement looming in my future.  I feel the weight of not doing the things I want/should do in these days. I have felt so consumed with my daily living, with my to-do list, that I forget the other things in life, like going to the store or being a wife. Being that the summers are so short here, I long to even be outside enjoying the weather and sunshine while I can. And day after day all I do is sit in my dark little studio, inhaling what dust and chemical I may only to make a little more money.  By the way, I hate money.

I don't know where I'm going with this and I'm sorry for dragging you along. Overall, I think I like this place in life a little bit more than I did in our first couple of months, despite the continued hardness of it. I like how much closer Ashley and I have gotten as a couple here. I like our space. our garden. riding my bike to the studio on a sunny day. that my studiomates are so different. and so great. i love that Ash really seems to like his new job. i love that my friends are having a babies that we prayed for for so long. (and that I get to meet soon!) I love being able to take a class in anything I want to learn about. I love the option of going to a portuguese church service and eating pao de quejo on a regular basis. i love not owning a home. i love that a hot day here is 90 with 30% humidity, not 104 with 80% humidity. i love the good beer here. I love a realized and expanding potential of a city.

BUT

I hate being so far away when terrible things happen. i hate not knowing how to respond to pain. or death. or friends who are hurting. or loneliness. (i want to know how and to do it better.) i hate not seeing our niece and nephews regularly. I hate chasing down people here who say they want to be our friends but who, in actuality, have no time or space for new friends. I hate not ever seeing or knowing my neighbors. I hate not having a sense of community. I hate being far away from friends getting married that we hoped would sooner than they thought they would. I hate missing out on porch time...missing wine (or soco with susu) and porch time and thursday/friday nights with friends...any night with friends. i hate feeling as lonely as i do most days.

I guess these are just growing pains. Or maybe the fact that I downed sangria right after Ash left on a camping trip this weekend and have been watching Dr. Phil when I should be stringing jewelry b/c I have over 456 pieces that need to go out before we leave for the beach next week.