b/c many of you have inquired of late, this blog is for you. the studio. i will be officially moving out of the studio this summer. those of you who wish to help me (and by help, i mean take me drinking that night), i welcome your generosity. this will be the first time i am without a studio in a very long time. it kind of makes me feel a little (more) claustrophobic that i realized i had been feeling...particularly b/c of the weather here. i feel a little shoved into this motherhood thing now...into this season completely...no more entrepreneurial mama. just mama. just wife. a friend emailed me about this next step and offered me the phrase "simmering" as to what i will be doing creatively as i move forward. i like that. i hope i just do not burn in the process. i do hope to return to a place where i can feel creative and feel like i am doing something that involves my brain. i know that stay at home moms do a lot of work, so i'll say this: this season will be the first time i have not actively made money since i was 14 years old and it feels strange and induces a bit of panic in me, i must admit. this little business held strong when Ash was laid off, making more money that ever while he was out of work. what if that happens again? what would we do? alas, i know this is that part of "living in fear" i wanted to depart from this year--it is crouching at my door ready to pounce. i know that the contributions i will make to our family and life together will become even more diversified and will be a struggle for me to not compare who has the "better role."
in general, my thoughts at present are on summer. on warmness. it's easy for every thought to feel bitter in the middle of this 6 month winter. i can close my eyes and imagine the sun on my face, the breeze on my bare arms and it is too much for me. we planned a family beach trip to rosemary in may and it is over 70 days away, also too much for me to think about right now. i feel like winter is my reluctant lent...fasting from the sun, from warmth and opportunities to enjoy being outdoors, and with friends more often. i can appreciate more fully what i've been made to live without. i hope. for instance, this summer i am also hoping that Hols will move up here. i know it's a little far-fetched for me to hope for this. i've tried almost every summer we've been up here, and this year is no different. not just for reasons i cannot mention, but because i just miss her. i love my sister. i love being with her. and i'm being selfish too. i want her here with me. in the same city. in boston. not bhm. not knoxville. i want to ride bikes with her along the charles and have girls' nights. for ellery to really get to know and love her Auntie Lolly. to have inside jokes and have fun. that's all. is that too much to ask?
even as i write this post, i feel like i can never get what my real thoughts are, OUT. it's so frustrating. i've not posted in way too long until now and then when i have a moment to post, i feel eluded by the day, unable to articulate the things i have REALLY been thinking in full, to even make connections. i get distracted by the need to keep the entries cohesive. but you know me, right? when have i ever really been cohesive in conversation? distracted: yes. focused: no. am i barreling into a season of continued malingering b/c i am only around a toddler all day...? oy VEY.
on an almost completely unrelated note, this video inspired me this week (it took 2600 paintings!):
have a wonderful weekend, friends.
3 comments:
Okay, my sweet creative friend. If you haven't yet, you must read WALKING ON WATER by Madeleine L'Engle. This is a different phase, yes. And it can feel like it's completely overtaking you. But it won't and you'll find your way and create a steady creative life even while you are a mother.
I'm living this too, still, because it changes with each phase of childhood and each phase of life. But I'm creating and I also think I'll create even more as the next phase of life comes.
I love you.
Ahhhhhh - refreshing. I feel like we just sat down for coffee together. I love that you are distracted in conversations and I love even more that you are comfortable enough with who you are to say it! You inspire me. Thanks for sharing. I wish we lived in the same city still - I would employ you to be my girls art teacher b/c we both know she ain't gettin' it from this momma. I adore you!
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