So. Much. CRAP.

Ah. HOME. i love being here. it has nothing to do with the place we live, b/c as you know, i kind of hate it. it's dumpy, but settled, and priced fairly for boston, so i'll take it for now. i do love being in MY place, MY bed, with just MY family, on MY schedule (or rather, EV's, as it goes). i'm just going to own how selfish that sounds b/c, after 10 days of it, i am done with traveling for awhile...especially for work. especially solo with a toddler.

ESPECIALLY with a toddler...

As busy as i've been the last couple of weeks with work, it's almost been the last thing on my mind most of the time (plenty of blog entries to come). i'm kind of over what i do. it's just work to me. it's not creative anymore. it's not very profitable anymore. i did FINE at the show itself, but by the third day, i was walking around with my nose in the air, looking down on all the poor little buyers and sellers as if they were stuck in some sort of perpetual sorority rush party, making small talk and using their fake laugh. gag me. there was just SO. MUCH. CRAP at that show, and why do i even want to compete? to be frank, i can't. the "handmade movement" (EYE ROLL) has, in many ways, KILLED handmade. buyers still want it cheap (or they think they can make it), so many handmade artists still design it, but ship it off to be made in china and africa for a fraction of the price, sell themselves as "charitable" and call it a day. no quality, no joy in the process or being able to communicate that to buyers, just production. where is the craftsman instead of the businessman? i've seen it over and over again and forgive me for being judgemental, but there are stark few of us who still care how it's made and are interested in the process. as for the business side of it, i am certain it will lose momentum. i know it gives more room for similar products to surge ahead, but i really don't care. HAVE AT IT. i'm tired of living the carnie life and worrying about stupid little things that go along with wholesale/retail shows. i'm tired of leaving for days on end, toting the child every which way. i'm TIIIIIIRD of the benefits not outweighing the costs for me in this season of life. I have been successful at this and it's time to move on. well, after i fill all the current orders, that is. and taper down the current inventory though the last few retail shows this year.

sincerely though, i don't want the story i live to continue to magnify things that don't really matter to me...to crowd my brain in such a way that the rest of my life seems to be waiting on me to jump in. it's like i'm slowly waking up. something that had once been so life-giving has been strangling me for awhile now and i am seeing an opportunity to let go of it. i'm actually not afraid to let go of it b/c i'm really understanding more now how little my work defines me.

i hope it helps me be a better woman/wife/mama. i know it's been easy for me to view EV as distraction from my work, when often i know, in the deepest part of me, what the distraction has really been. i hope i don't become that SaHM that i have feared becoming (which is controversial to even say anyway). what i mean is that i hope that my capacity for motherhood is expanded in this next season b/c it feels tiny right now.  i have to stop rethinking my status as a mom and accept it with gusto. no one told me these thoughts happen. i really want to enjoy it more than i have. to relish the long days with short naps as best i can. and to love my husband better. and i realize that i kind of have the luxury of being able to choose this next step from a financial standpoint that many people do not have. i know we will be facing a micro-recession up in this house. maybe not. we'll see.

and how long it is until summer? it is an effing 7 degrees today, people. wtf?!