home is whenever i'm with you...

tonight i miss this room. what it felt like to be in this room...with friends around the table, drinking and laughing and drinking, and being seriously serious about loftier things. i remember when we bought (the table) and got it home, we prayed that it's use would always be one of genuine hospitality, warmth and love.

and i miss that piano. and Ash playing it. that one has been in storage since we moved up here and he's currently playing the "new" keyboard he bought to finally give himself the chance to play more now that we have been in Boston for 2.5 years already. it resides in our closet/office/music room behind our bedroom. it couldn't possibly sound more different. our life couldn't be much different now that it was in these pictures. it makes me incredibly sad some days that we do not still own this house...and that we can never return to that time or place. our first home together was here. i know people say it was just a house, and maybe time has made me see it as more than it was even at the time. i'm sure of it. but i am certain that i loved that house more than i hated it.

as for where we live now...at least we could paint it the colors we wanted...

what i love about where we live now has little to do with how anything looks or is setup. mostly, it's a struggle with the toys that E is slowly accumulating in such cramped quarters (and our furniture doesn't quite fit. the rest of the make-it-work furniture will be sold when we leave here). i love how our home smells when we come home from vacation. how large our new bed is...and comfy too. i love that E has her own room, which is a luxury in Boston, i realize. i love that friends of ours live close enough to us (though not two doors down, Su Su). i love that we can walk anywhere...to the T, to the downtown area of JP, to any playground we like, through the Forest Hills Cemetary...or we could drive...that anything we "need" is less than a mile away. i love that i'm starting to run into people that we know at the store or on our walks...finally! i used to hate take that for granted in Bhm, especially b/c i was never particularly interested in seeing whomever it was that i ran into, typically. Funny that a con has now become a pro.

as we contemplate where we will "end up" in life, i find myself with a laundry list of wants/do-not-wants (and the "oh hell nos"). i want community and have known it in both places we've lived. i want to know the back roads and be able to give directions or pass along a good electrician (although i DO have a mac guy). i want to have friends that will just come in the back door and riffle through my fridge. i want to have a space that works and that i can put my big table in so i can sit all of my friends around and laugh and drink and talk with.

and i want Ash to play his piano. his real piano.

back from vacation part 1

so while i'm still sorting my thoughts out on our trip, staying in other peoples' homes (both friends and not-friends), check out this sweet little gem on co-habitation. Steph, thanks for the link to the link, my friend.

Pictures and details to come.

one leg...

So this has had me laughing so hard today...I love Amy Poehler for a variety of reason, but Amber has to be one of my favorites. Jealous?

It's no secret that I love fart jokes. I mean, that's why we're friends, right?

I guess growing up with this guy:

didn't really give me any options for alternative forms of humor, considering he used to fart in his hand and put it in my face. Or hold me down and just fart right on my face. Hmmm, based on the last two sentences, you'd think I'd actually hate farts. But then again, who actually hates them? I mean come ON. Hate? That's such a strong word. The irony is that my dear hubs didn't even know what a dutch oven was when we got married even though he grew up with a brother. And even admitted in recent years that he had never farted in front of his mom (until one day he did without thinking about it). He's going to totally be mad at me now.

I digress.

So I don't remember what I was originally going to post about other than to just prove to Ash that I can blog more than once a week.

Oh yeah, the barista who was almost severely injured...After having been a barista myself for well over 7 years during HS, college and afterwards, I understand the fury that is controlled by a prescribed amount of caffeine. The ability to contribute in one way or another to some people's daily routine admittedly gives you a small sense of power and control...but I was never blatant about wanting to eff with people (no matter how much I thought about it)...and I was never out right rude. A little too much syrup or over-pulled shot here, or a little scalded milk there...just enough that I would still get the benefit of the doubt and the mistake wouldn't be realized until they were well on their way. But I never withheld just be a jerk in the face of a customer...Or let 4 people's go ahead of another drink...Or finished the drink and still didn't put it on the counter within reach just b/c I was an assinine twit with no ambition other than to be the biggest white trash hipster in Boston.

After almost leaning across the counter and whispering, "I will CUT you" to said barista, I had a moment of reflection. I need counseling. I am way angrier than that barista, at least for someone who has been redeemed. Henceforth, I am on the search for said counselor and would welcome suggestions.

Oh, and I just farted...jealous?

failure

this whole groaning over whether or not to let the business go/take a break has been going on way too long. i feel like i've been on a sinking ship for quite some time...especially since Ellery was born. juggling time with her + home + all that Olaria requires doesn't seem worthwhile. it's not like it's even creative anymore. it's just production. it's a dying stinking beast that isn't earning it's keep. i barely make enough to pay the babysitter/daycare and any satisfaction that could happen is not there. i keep wondering why am i going to all this effort. i work weekends, nights, early mornings (sometimes) and feel less and less creative. the last two wholesale shows have left me feeling like little more than a monkey jumping through ridiculous hoops.

i have to make a decision about my next wholesale show by today at 5pm EST. if i don't do it, i can't keep the studio. if i can't keep the studio, i can't work on anything...even creatively (in clay). the next likely chance that i'll get to work like this again is after this current station of life and kid(s) are in school. that last sentence does not mean i'm pregnant again...or that we are trying. we are not.

i keep thinking and praying and looking at pros and cons and i just need someone to tell me what to do.

next post will be positive. i promise. i may even tell you about the barista i nearly beheaded.

so: tell me what to do.

starting again

Okay, so don't fall out that I'm posting. It's become one of those things that is kind of like getting on a scale...I don't post...then it's gotten embarrassingly longer since...then it's like, what's the point? I've been a little busy. Even now, I'm swatting little fingers away from the keyboard as I type in game like fashion. Oh Ellery, you are definitely the best and often most frustrating part of my day. Like NOW, she has decided that my cup on water was more useful as a hat. Good thing it was only half full. That's probably good though, no bath later.

So I don't want to try to catch you up on a year's worth of stuff, but let the evidence of zero posts point to the fact that overwhelmed doesn't even do it justice.  I'm glad to know I'm not alone in being a mama, a business-owner, etc. Balance continually eludes me but I hope, going forward, to find the time to have more fun with our little blog and catch up with you all. I'm working off the theme of bittersweetness in all things in my life in the last few years. Sometimes the flavor is more intense than at other times, but it seems to be an undercurrent to all things. More on that later, I'm sure. And more pictures. I promise.

For a bit of something sunny on such a cold autumn morning, here are a few things I love about my life right now.

Ellery wakes up in the morning SO happy and chatty. "we deedle dah! bah zeezle dah. baaaaaah zha da dadada" She is such a happy, sweet kid in more ways that I can express on FB without feeling too overindulgent. LOVE that kid. She gets more and more fun by the day with her little antics, personality and words. Currently, all we have are dada (all the time), mama (only sometimes), wow (on command), uhoh (also on command, and appropriately when something falls, although I feel like she is also starting to use it ironically, which is awesome). UH OOOOOOOHHH!

Adult people: This girl has described me in her blog as a cool drink of water, but I find it to be even more true of her in mine. Refreshing and true and an amazing refreshment...especially having learning more of her story. Have you ever met someone and as you get to know them, you just become continually amazed at their story and how lucky you are to just be a part of their life? Yeah, that's her. And she's hilarious. HIlarious.

I love our new church. I love the people (like the friend above)  I've gotten to know there and how genuine they are. I love that I'm being called back to just love Jesus and not get bogged down in the drama that can be church. And has been church for us in the not recent past. I still miss the music from our old church...how so often listening to it is more of a meeting of my soul to Jesus than many hours of sitting in church or trying to read the Bible. 

I love fall itself here in New England: beautiful. So colorful. I only wish it didn't mean we were approaching my least favorite season and the longest season up here. It's like going to play with your favorite friend, but being tricked into a closet by her older brother and being locked away for 6 months.

We actually have a family vacation coming up soon that we are almost too giddy about. A McClure Three vacation for the first time ever. We won't be going to see family, which is what our time off has meant since we've been up here. We are taking it for ourselves and going on a road trip to Philly, then to Brooklyn, then to a cabin in the Catskills. Some good friends, some adventure, and some rest in the woods. Another bit of news is that Ashley is now a registered architect. Something way too long in the making. And his firm did, in fact, hire him back last November (for those of you who were still unclear on the details of it all).

So thanks for reading...and for not taking us out of your reader. I hope I don't get neglectful of this blog again...my goal is 1-2 a week for now. Okay, so many just one a week. Now for some play time with my baby girl!

summer bouquet

so as you recover from the shock of actually seeing an update on here, i will also let you know that we promise to try to upload photos of buttercup as soon as possible for those of you who aren't on facebook. hopefully, that will be next week.

i'm usually so busy with the business and all that is going on b/w that and home that i find writing to be difficult. more difficult still is taking the time to think thoughts worth writing. with Ash being off work this summer, that alone thinking time has been even more minimal. not that i need to be alone to think, it's just that constant companionship usually results in seeing my thoughts/emotions about everything come at a distance. like maybe passing by a fields of flowers, but never stopping by to collect a few to take home with me. or a junk yard. y'know, whatever analogy works here.

This morning i was emailing a friend whom i rarely get to speak to and (though it was unnecessarily early to be up and thinking), it actually made me sit down and think about these last few months and about this season of life i find myself/us in. i think i've been so bad about catching up with dear friends that it's been easy to not catch up with myself.

i would never have said that it would be a good thing for my husband to get laid off in the last few months before we bring our first child into the world. how scary is that? what i didn't expect in these days is to fall in love with this man all over again. and to relish these last days together sans kiddo(s). being that we have only known each other in the daily grind of working life, we've never really had extended time to just hang out and BE with one another. we have been stripped of projects to do around the house like we had in Bhm. we have been stripped of income to do things we'd otherwise love to do. but there are a surprising amount of free/cheap things to do here in the summer. (i mean, hello beaches). i've been busy at times with the business and he's been studying for his ARE's all summer. i feel a little guilty saying that these past 2.5 months have been my favorite of our marriage b/c we've had time to just hang out with each other. and despite the other part of these kinds of circumstances, i DO feel God's kindness stripping away a lot of bitterness I hadn't realized had puddled in my heart. he is taking away my "AH-HA, i KNEW it! You aren't good after all..." thinking. though i know i'm not becoming any kind of pollyanna or anything, b/c it's hard not to think a dark and stormy cloud is approaching like i always do. it's really been a sweet time with him anticipating this baby. and i cannot WAIT to see him with our daughter.

as of now, we haven't heard anything from his old job yet about the possibility of rehiring, but have been living on the MA Dept. of Unemployment with our fingers crossed. Ash IS looking for work, but i think nationally, about 40% of architects are out of work, which makes the opps few and the pool of applicants large. which is another reason that finishing his tests could improve his chances of getting rehired somewhere sooner. it's interesting, the day he got laid off, I received a $1200 wholesale order (which is absolutely not the norm, in case you were wondering)...then more orders, and more re-orders...and it's been crazy unpredictable and busy for the business. all that to say, i feel like we are being taken care of and am more hopeful than i thought i would be at this point. asking me that post-partum make get you a different answer though. just putting that out there.

and so, holy crap. we are having a kid sometime this week. i think i will be holding her in total shock. i think she will be having her own kid one day and i will still be in shock that i have kids. pregnancy has been pretty good to me...this week is definitely getting a little uncomfortable though, especially after Ash and I decide to take 3 miles walks. i will say, i'm tired of people asking me, A.) Are you just ready to explode? and B.) Aren't you just SO miserable (b/c you LOOK miserable)? baby girl is measuring kind of large and my normally straight-faced doctor even used the phrase 'crimeny! this is a big baby!' when she inspected the belly a few weeks ago. it's okay though, b/c apparently, i have the pelvis for it, she assured me. nice...thanks doc.

so i hope that catches you up. you know i have to exhaust your ears/eyes (and my fingers) in this whole blogging process when I do it. i'm assuming i won't have the brain capacity to write one like this for awhile. hopefully our next update will include pictures of a cute baby girl! Squeeeeal!

~love from the bean.

Getting laid. off.

“As of May 20^th, 2009, your status as an employee has been terminated.”

That’s how my severance letter read. The actual meeting with HR went a bit differently. The HR director had a small wrinkled piece of paper on her hand that seemed like it had been working hard. You could tell it had been through a lot of these meetings. The piece of paper had bullet points on it. I couldn’t read what it said, but I’m sure it was her talking points and her key phrases.

• Hi, Ashley. I have _______ here in my office. We were just discussing your schedule. Could you come down so we could discuss it with you?

Pleasantries were exchanged. Three times I was asked how I was. Only two people in the room, but somehow they managed to ask that question three times.

I knew why I was there.

• I’m sorry to say that we’re going to have to let you go.

The words came abruptly. Even though I expected them, it was still sudden. The previous day, the day I returned to work from my vacation, I saw one person walking around the office crying. The person next to me received a phone call and never came back to his desk. Everyone knew what was going on – it was the third round this year.

• We just want to let you know this wasn’t a performance related decision.

That made me feel better, but I had heard this spill before when they talked about the previous people who had been selected to leave. I always assumed that they were being nice and polite in an effort not to further malign discarded employees. I mean, they had to make the decision somehow – who wouldn’t weed out the least fittest among us?

But then it was said to me.

I never had a negative performance review. I was pretty sure that I was going the extra mile for my project, at least a few extra hundred feet or so. But then, I wasn’t planning on leaving in a few months to go back to school. I had a billable project assignment. I was working overtime, and not being paid for it. Other people who were planning on leaving in a few months, did not have project assignments, and did not have enough work to keep them busy in overtime still had jobs.

So why me?

• We’ve met with 31 people regarding layoffs.

I know it was said in an effort to soften the blow. I assumed, as would be natural, that the two of these people had been in meetings with 31 different people the previous day and that morning. I felt sorry for them, to have to deliver this news to that many people in a short amount of time. I found out later that 31 was a total number, as in a total of all layoffs. The three rounds total. This round was only 10. You can’t soften the blow with 10.

So why me?

I did just return from a vacation. But it had been approved. I would assume that if they disapproved, they would have told me, instead of telling me to go on so they could let me go when I got back. When I came to the office Tuesday, I saw that there had been people who were higher up placed on the project. That’s when I really thought I might be in trouble. Apparently they didn’t have enough work to do, so they took my place.

Someone suggested maybe it was because the person making the decision didn’t know me. Possible, maybe even probable. Out of an office of 300+ people, it’s hard to have a personal relationship with everyone, and it may surprise you to know that I haven’t paraded myself around shaking hands and meetings people since I started there.

Who made this decision anyway? If it wasn’t performance related, what was it? The other two laid off architects were hired around the same time as me. Did they just work their way backwards from the most recent hires? Or did they pull my number out of a rotating hamster wheel? Is that what they want me to think?

• We hope to be able to hire you back in or around the first of September.

I took them as being sincere when they said that. I mean, they didn’t have to say it. Why would they lie? But what if they were kind of skirting the truth, like the 31 people thing? What if they meant, “We hope to hire you back in or around the first of September as a janitor?”

Based on my severance package, I think they’re being honest, but who knows.

I’ve been asked what I’m going to do. What am I going to do? I’ve filed for unemployment. It sounds nice to be a beach bum living off of the government. Hey – I’m just being honest. Summer really is the best time to be without a job.

Of course, I’ll be productive. I will help out with Olaria. Hopefully I can help that make some money. I will be studying for my ARE’s. Might as well get those over and done with. Getting things ready for buttercup will take up a good chunk of time. I will be doing some household stuff, kind of a househusband role, and, hopefully, I can have some time to do some things I’ve never taken time to do.

Oh yeah, and a job. Well, I have to agree to actively search for a job while on unemployment. So I’ll do that, too. I have some people that have already offered things to me, so that’s nice. Little things I think I can do from home. Even better. There are zero architecture jobs available in this country, so there’s nothing that would really help with my career. But there are several temporary positions available, and there’s always Starbucks. Or maybe I could get an outside job? It’s nice here in the summer… Whatever it is, I have to work out our budget before I make a decision there.

• We’re so sorry. This sucks.

I don’t remember if that was said, but I’m pretty sure it should have been.

Ashley