mcclure life

What just happened...?!

2012-01-16T15:21:00.000-05:00

Is it really January 15th, 2012? Really? b/c I swear I just posted yesterday about our move South. It has been more overwhelming for all parties involved in our lives over the last six months, I feel. So much so fast. My little girl is starting to lose the chub on her arms and her legs are long even for a three year old, which she is not. I think she's trying to even talk herself out of her naps at present...something I am not down with.

This time last year, I was starting to hit my seasonal low, with 5 months of winter ahead of me. So we seriously started getting Ash's resume updated, researching cities, and firms. We decided to start networking with friends in those locations. Then he sent off the first batch of resumes to Nashville. Then Atlanta. A couple in Chattanooga. And we waited. And kind of half-heartedly prayed. And waited. And found more firms in those cities to apply to. More resumes. More waiting. More praying and wondering. Then in April, a firm or two responded that they loved his work/resume, but had no ability to hire at the moment. Same thing a couple of times over. Then a firm emailed for an interview. Then another. And another. Shock. So we headed South for a vacation on 30-A before the interview.

Beach trip with family was lovely. So much fun. I wept when I finally got to the beach by myself. So grateful to end our 9 month winter digging our toes into the sand and staring out over the gulf...riding bikes along the beach and warming our bones in the sun. Drinking way too much, too early in the day, and letting cousins play together and grandparents watch them. *Sigh* We tried to push back thoughts of what we were too afraid to hope for all week until the interviews. It worked, mostly.

After the interviews, we waited on numbers and serious considerations...both ours and theirs. In June, Ash made a commitment to Square Feet Studio. They needed him there asap. So we had to pack up apartment and studio in less than 5 weeks...which would have been no problem sans toddler.

We had the help of Ash's fam to fly up and watch Ellery the last few days of our time in Boston and then fly back South with her. We had amazing friends show up and help us move all of our crap out of our apartment and organize it in the truck (which is actually a talent)...the bestie was just off a 6 week super-intensive stint at Vassar the day before and still showed up to help and laugh at the nondiscreet items that were to be found around the apartment. Ooops! We threw our own going away party for Ellery's birthday sake...and b/c we wanted to make it fairly easy to see everyone before we headed out. It is still beyond me to think about the kind of people that we met in Boston. I will have to save some of my thoughts about these dear friends for another blog post, but suffice it to say that we survived our first year in Boston being pretty empty and lonely, but we left with friendships that deepened who we are and challenged us at our very core. We are thankful.

We landed in Atlanta in the Old Fourth Ward (O4W) in a tiny little 2BR apartment. Dad helped us navigate the roads South, which coming out of New England is no easy task, esp if you are driving a 15' high truck and suddenly, the bridge ahead has a height restriction of say, 11'6". Not Fun. Three weeks before we were to leave, we finally found an apartment. Harder than you might imagine since we would be renting sight-unseen. We landed in a little community within walking distance of Ash's new Inman Park firm, and is called the Wigwam. It was perfect. Historic. Art Deco. Part of a national park (MLK district). Great neighbors. So warm and welcoming and we almost hated to attempt looking for homes to buy. Esp since our look-see went bust in June.

July - Present: We arrived. Had a family birthday party for our little 2-year old sweetie. Did first ATL show for Olaria. Got a new realtor. Put an offer on a Fannie Mae house in late August. Went to Bhm for a show. Ellery started new CMO program. Got bids for contract work on said house in Sept. Waited on due diligence responses from FM. Lost contract on house b/c of FM in Oct. Disappointment. (I)started this Emory depression study. Good friends moved from Boston to Atlanta for a job. Did another show. Starting looking at homes again in late Oct. Put offer in on another home. More shows. Ash's birthday (the day our mortgage fell apart). Went through Dante's Inferno to get mortgage closed (again, another blog post there). Thanksgiving in Bhm. Pulled our hair out for a solid week after missing our initial closing. Finally closed on house December 2nd. Moved December 3rd. Had another show that same day. Unpacked. Another show the next weekend in Chattanooga. Unpacking/decorating the house for xmas. My birthday. Christmas travel. New Year's retreat at home as the McClure Three. (I)quit depression study in frustration. Somewhere in there, we had no less than 7 house guests come and suffer on the living room air mattress before we moved. And another set come this past week now that the cloud has been setup in the 3rd bedroom. Whew! More about the house in another post. We love it.

So, two moves and 6 months later, there is your update. Thanks for reading. We are tired and miss our friends in Boston deeply. We are glad to be closer to family and Bhm friends, and in our OWN home. We are hopeful as we stand at the front end of new life in a new city, despite the loneliness we feel right now. We are so thankful for all the help we have had to bring us so far. We are hoping for 2012 to be one of just as much adventure, with a little less heavy lifting. And we hope to laugh more this year than last, as least I do.

Whew. I'm working on a New Year's card since we obviously didn't get the chance to send a Christmas one out. I know we don't have to, but we like our daughter's face to retain the prime real estate it has on your fridge...

Summah Catch Up + Top Secret Revealed!

2011-07-15T15:47:00.001-04:00

Hello friends. Sorry for the delay in updating. It has been a whirlwind 6 weeks for us. We returned home from our trip to Rosemary Beach (and after Ash had interviewed in Atlanta), to the slow fastness of change. We couldn't talk on the interwebs about it, so that was our top-secret project. We had to wait until he could tell his employers to actually say anything on FB, which is just the world we live in now. Crazy. The new firm is Square Feet Studio in Inman Park and Ash seems pretty excited about it. Lots of high end restaurant and modern stuff. I think. Less educational institution work. So we have been in logistics mode big time, so that's my excuse for not blogging. Once he accepted their offer, we flew down to look at homes to buy. That was a gigantic waste of time b/c the inventory in our price range absolutely sucks in Atlanta/Decatur right now. Really surprised by that. So we are renting for 6 months while we figure out the area more. We are moving with another move to come - glorious. UGH. Basically, I'm packing up everything except the essentials b/c I do not want to unpack it to pack it up again. Slim living we will be doing. We will be living less that .3 miles from Ash's new work, so hopefully we will see more of him b/c he will just walk to and fro and we can stay a one car family a little longer. YES! I thought I'd let you see some pics of the other fun things we've gotten to squeeze in as we finish out what is left of our Boston summer. I am glad to move back, but I think I was SO looking forward to the Boston summer that I'm disappointed in the timing. I know I'll be grateful in Jan/Feb, but really, we are moving to Atlanta in their HOTTEST month of the year. Moving in Nov. would have made me feel like I was escaping winter. Oh well. Enjoy the pics!

Here are some pics of our little super-hero (we are attempting this in lieu of princess mentality. We'll see how long it lasts):

I think she just looks like a baby hipster right here, minus the fanny pack and awkward glasses.

For Father's Day, we rented a boat and rowed around the Jamaica Pond in our neighborhood. :)

This is from the week we spent in Atlanta looking for houses. Ellery hung out with two of her favorite people all week. Noah and Jonah, who also fancy her just as much. Yay cousins (and Unkie and Anise!) We were so thankful they were so willing to hang out with her all week while we trekked through homes out of our price range and awesome, or ones that fit our budget and smelled like cat-pee. Awesome.

I'm including this one b/c this is what I walked in to find one morning. She really does wake up happy most days. And this day was ridiculous. LOVE her. And not totally sure how she did that with her shirt. She is starting to get obsessed with taking her clothes off.

We had a slow weekend of July 4th and just hung out together and enjoyed the city. Sat morning we went to the Franklin Park Zoo (yes, the one where they filmed that new Kevin James movie, Zookeeper. Re: stupid). Anyway. She loved it. And we loved the baby gorilla they had there too. As my friend Candice would say, Adorbs.

We went down to Horseneck Beach in Westport, MA one morning too. It was REALLY foggy until about 11am and surreal. You couldn't even see past the shoreline out into the water. Props to my friend Heather for getting Ellers this cute suit.

Last weekend, we took our last trip up to Rockport, which is one of our favorite places to visit. Just an old fishing village...

Thanks for keeping up with us. We are sad to leave our Boston friends. Very sad. And though we've wanted to move back to the South for sometime, this is way harder than I imagined.

Free trip to Paris, anyone?

2011-06-08T22:03:00.002-04:00

Oh happy day!

http://ohhappyday.com/2011/06/goes-to-paris

2011-04-26T13:36:00.007-04:00

The past 6 days have been so fun. Holly came to town and we have been together nonstop. Without even a tiff, which normally happens about 2 days into constant Amy/Holly time. I think b/c I have been so starved of time with much of anyone but Ellery & Ash, her presence felt like sunshine to my soul. I swear I feel like 2 of the six months of winter have been peeled off of my heart. I love that girl. And it was so fun to see Ellery wake up everyday and run to her door to wake her up saying, "Lollylollylollylolly." She left this morning and I am more sad than I thought I would be, especially since I'm going to see her again in just over three weeks. What can I say, I'm selfish. And weepy. But she left me clothes and shoes to wear until I see her again.

(thanks for making us smile, then capturing the moment, Steph)

So, Easter happened as well this weekend. And we took pictures of all the cutesy stuff that went down...

These pictures pretty much tells you how Easter went for Ellery. BUNNIES! (or as she says, "munies!") Nathan and Liz brought bunnies to our brunch. It went exactly how you think it would have gone. Snuggles and squeals and more....with most of the squealing from the adults present getting a moment with the bunnies. Not sure how the bunnies felt about it.

sweet face

The next few photos are all out of order b/c blogger is acting funny today. This is a quick trip over to Harvard Square for some fun on Friday with Holly.

singing on the train.
seriously having a good time on the train.

more singing. i think.

entertaining Hols with her antics. as well as everyone else.

All dressed up for the brunch in a dress I wore when I was little. It was one my mom made, unsurprisingly.

A few shots of her enjoying her Easter "basket" goodies. A basket that may or may not have come together just minutes before presenting it to her...notice the Christmas pjs. Apropro, I think.

she was double-fisting the peeps, but then again, aren't they made to be double-fisted?

we made birds' nests from our faithful haystack recipe, with the addition of jelly beans for brunch. And a bunny cake. Obvs.

Saturday trip to Rockport. In the cold, drizzley rain. I'm not really sure why we did that again, but we got out of the house, which is never a bad thing in my opinion. Either way, Ellery was content to just stomp every puddle she came across. Winning.

I love this look she has. Like she somehow already knows how cheesey it is that we would be entertained by putting her in a picture with a stuffed bear at the Rockport fudgery.

Also on deck was our Thursday trip to the Sam Adams Brewery Tour. One I have been on more times than I can count. But fun. This is Ellers holding a rootbeer. I have to say that on here b/c I know random people can find this blog and will think I actually gave my child beer. And others that will argue that giving a 20 month old 2oz (of a 12oz bottle) of sugary rootbeer is probably worse than the beer. I'll stick with the lesser of the two judgements. So here it is again, ROOTBEER.

We did also make it to the Harpoon beer tasting on Monday. What can I say? Do you know us? I hope everyone had a fantastic Easter weekend. I'm leaving you with two of my favorite pictures of the weekend:

my beautiful sister. a girl who is stronger than she thinks she is. and is in store for an adventure far bigger than she thinks in the months ahead.

And my two favorite girls in the whole world.

Hols, we miss you already. Come back soon (and stay longer).

Rainy Days...

2011-04-13T13:24:00.000-04:00

So today is this cold drizzly rain in Boston, hence we are staying indoors. And trying to find something to do other than watch TV. Anything. So we have been painting. And I have to admit, she gets it honest. Or maybe she just "gets" the opportunity to get dirty honest. At any rate, I haven't posted much about this darling little girl, so I wanted to today. I really do enjoy my time with her, despite my general frustration I have with the suit of motherhood overall...

This is one of the few pictures I could actually get her to look up at me for...this girl is intense about her artwork.

I love that smile, even if I had to act REEEdiculous to get her to do it.

Nom nom. I love watercolors.

I love this little girl. I know you're like, yeah, we get it, you're her mom, of course you love her. I can't help how squishy lovey dovey she makes me feel. Somedays I really can't contain it. It makes it easy to slough off the sarcasm and frustration I so often feel. As she gets older, I am overcome by the thought of how limited my time with her really is...even with as loooong as rainy days indoors can seem. I'm thinking we need a dance party if the rain doesn't let up after her nap.

And if it does: puddle-jumping!

Welcome Spring

2011-04-12T15:22:00.000-04:00

So the weather has been sloooowly getting warmer. As a welcome tribute to Spring, my friend Christi and I decided to make some wreaths to brighten up our entryways inspired by this blog. My other friend Heather joined us that night too for a full on girls' night in. Two bottles of wine + brie + cookies = crafting=interesting creations. Please excuse the "not so fresh" from the gym look I'm rocking and the quality of pictures as well. The lighting in our apt sucks.

mine got a lot more swirly than i had originally intended.

in case you can't tell here, C is a graphic designer.

and H is a grad student studying costume design...

I should post some of our wreaths on our doors too, shouldn't I...?

Oh, in other news. We are having an Easter brunch. One of our guests is going to rent a bunny (a real one, not a creep in a costume). I'm sure pictures will be posted of that as Ellery has a slight obsession with "munnies" these days. Oh and said Easter brunch guest also recommends this site. Hilarious. Almost as hilarious as this used to be.

There are only 8 days until Holly arrives too! Woohoo!

Inspiration

2011-04-07T14:51:00.001-04:00

an artist friend here in Boston sent me this quote this week...and i love it. and thought i would pass it along. it gives me room to breathe in the current state of my professional downgrade and figuring out how to continue to "just work" without a studio. I'm including some of C. Close's work for those of you who are not familiar with him.

(i also kind of feel like i look like this these days, minus the mustache and chest hair):

or maybe this one:

The advice I like to give young artists, or really anybody who’ll listen to me, is not to wait around for inspiration. Inspiration is for amateurs; the rest of us just show up and get to work. If you wait around for the clouds to part and a bolt of lightning to strike you in the brain, you are not going to make an awful lot of work. All the best ideas come out of the process; they come out of the work itself. Things occur to you. If you’re sitting around trying to dream up a great art idea, you can sit there a long time before anything happens. But if you just get to work, something will occur to you and something else will occur to you and somthing else that you reject will push you in another direction. Inspiration is absolutely unnecessary and somehow deceptive. You feel like you need this great idea before you can get down to work, and I find that’s almost never the case.”
- Chuck Close

here comes the bride

2011-04-05T10:00:00.004-04:00

currently, i have two friends that are engaged. this is a rare thing in our world as it seems it's just more and more people we are close to are getting knocked up. oh the passage of time...and don't get me wrong, babies are good. But i feel way more enthusiastic in seeing two people enter into the newly married stage than i do about the new parent stage. they have their similarities, no doubt: less sleep, less modesty, more responsibility, less freedom, more fun. but i LOVED just being two. i don't feel like the transition to marriage was nearly in any way as hard for me as it was transitioning into parenthood. i treasured, and maybe currently idolize, all that time Ash and i had as just the two of us.

this upcoming week, my friend C is getting married. i just recently learned about it (if not simply because it is a very short engagement) and it makes me so happy that this wedding is happening. i have been very far and disconnected from it's circumstances, and will sadly also not be able to be present for the vows. yet i am so grateful for the hope that this wedding represents by it's very occurrence that it almost takes my breath away. like i said, i don't know as many of the details of all that has happened but i am so much more assured of the One who draws hearts together...the One who holds and heals hearts when they are so fragile and so pierced and bruised you think all hope is lost for this little one and why not just put it out of it's misery. I knew C and her first husband, D, when they lived across the street from us in Bhm. we spent a lot of time together, particularly on friday nights, and i loved it. When we moved to Boston and then D suddenly passed a couple of months later, i felt insanely sad for a friend in a way that i never had before. i was paralyzed in my movement toward her b/c well, you just don't know what to say or do b/c you aren't physically there anymore to say or do like you would have done or would want to, so anything i said or did felt like nothing at all. and i was just thankful to hear that good people were close to her, loving her well, though not the way D did. and that made me even sadder for her. it paralyzed a lot of my thinking about God and how i thought He worked. it made me think not nice things at all about Him. and i couldn't pray for awhile. but then i did again, i guess. i haven't been able to imagine her grief, and am certain i cannot imagine the bittersweet joy in this new marriage. the quote from Wendell Berry's Hannah Coulter she put in the invitation says it all to me: But grief is not a force and has no power to hold. You only bear it. Love is what carries you, for it is always there, even in the dark, or most in the dark, but shining out at times like gold stitches in a piece of embroidery. I am thankful for C and for her L.

C, i love you and am so thankful for your life and friendship. you have taught me more about being okay with mystery (even if it's against our wills) in your being just who you are. you are a bride that brings hope (among so many things, i know), down the aisle...in a way more beautiful to me than any other bride i have ever seen. i hope your weekend is full of joy and remembrance...and of laughter at the days ahead.

boatloads

2011-04-02T12:00:00.017-04:00

so i hoped you liked the roomies post. i have gotten several emails from the old roomies asking why they were not mentioned. i believe the sub-category i implied under memorable roommates was "the ones i don't keep up with." believe me, if we have a story, it will be posted on here at some point. when you least expect it. bwa-hahaha...i might even link the post to my fb wall and tag you in it. time to unfriend...?

friday night i babysat a friend's kids so she and her husband can have a night out before they leave town for six weeks for one of her husband's projects. i should also mention she is 32 weeks pregnant. they are flying to and from. and they have two kids. i sit here in awe of how stressed she must feel despite her really showing it. how stressed i would feel. that doesn't say much, as my own capacity for motherhood, much less the prospect of #2 anytime soon, seems way too small for where i should be at this point and completely overwhelms me...and i have more issues than that statement enlightens at this time. it has less to do with the kid and more to do with the iceberg i feel in my soul right now.

i had a conversation with the bestie and her hubs last weekend about shame and guilt. and this week my thoughts have been a mulled wine spiced with those aromas. i see how so much of my decisions and attitudes come from that place. i see it in my history, my present and am damned if i will let it continue into my future, and especially with Ellers. the question is how? how do i let these things bubble up and not spill all over the place? a wise woman once told me that we all give our kids reasons to go to counseling, we might as well pay for it. this is true...and why Ellery will thank me for not putting money away for her college. so yeah, shame and guilt. the guilt i get, having been raised a good little Southerner (& baptist at the time too). it is ingrained alongside my Emily Post lessons, often motivating that thank you note for such gracious hospitality. we Southerners are even to be grateful for that guilt-ridden upbringing b/c to call out such guilt-imbibed commentary on living is to be riddled with more for even thinking such. why i would never...

which leaves shame. this one is trickier for me. my parents were champions of their kids and all that we did, so it's not something that i think came from my parents at all. i mean, c'mon. in reading the last post, there are mentions of things any lady should feel shameful about, but i'm talking about a deeper sense of shame than situational. i'm not sure the shame was something i learned as much as i applied from my place in life. as for any kid, middle and high school were hard for me. but i was a fat kid. albeit, one who lost a lot of weight from about 8th-10th grade...a lot of weight. i had finally had it with the teasing and the names and such and just owned it. i was great at losing weight once i got started. and bonus, i got attention. especially from boys. and even better, from girls who were now okay being my friend now that i looked like them. it got harder to maintain in college, so i lost a lot of that guy attention, so to speak. thankfully, i had finally found real girlfriends and women i knew i could trust. and then after college, a huge slap in the face regarding weight happened alongside the end of my first engagement. at that moment, i felt more betrayed than i ever had in my entire life. someone knowing my greatest struggle and the crux of rejection for me, and using as a reason to leave. that is where i find shame. and everything that stems from weight, body image, anything. not because of that one incident (which turned out involving a serious addiction to porn by the obviously way-off-base ex-fiance), but the series of it all...of repeating patterns related to it. and the new crop of lies i like to run to now that i've had a kid. Poor Ashley--on so many levels. haha. he is not only fighting with me, but so much more often is he fighting with all the voices in my head and the shame i let drag me around by my tail. i realize as an adult i should be able to just get over it and move on, but that's exactly what i'm talking about. i don't go through my back story everyday like i did here. but the shameful way of thinking i learned from it still wants to whisper that i'm so off track it's ridiculous. it tempts me to quit from the moment i get up some days. in all of it, shame tells me i'm not good enough. i don't deserve good, so why try...why try at life? i'm not saying that i believe these thoughts, but i'm not ignoring that they happen. i want to believe that i'm not alone in thinking that, either. and i do want to try. even if just for Ellery's sake in this season of life. i don't want to pass this along. body image alone and all that comes for it for girls is unbearably hard at times in our culture and i can't shelter her from that as much as i can model (and sincerely believe) that we are not defined by our outward or how others value our outward, and not fall prey to lies and shame. i want us to both believe the Voice that is bigger and more important than ours.

whew. i'm not sure i knew i was thinking all of that. thanks for letting me process. typing this out is really theraputic for me, so remind me of your address and i'll send you a check.

april foolery

2011-04-01T22:09:00.000-04:00

this week, though not quite in april we:

1.) received a ticket for an expired tag ($40). it's not expired, we simply didn't get the stickers for the tag with our registration (which now involves what will be an entire morning at the RMV to right the ticket and secure the stickers. with a toddler in tow. OY VEY).

2.) received a summons to appear in court. this was received less than 30 minutes after the aforementioned ticket. by two law and order style cops waiting at my door as i drove up to our house. Good Lord, they've come for me. true story. turns out it was a summons for Ashley to appear in court for having witnessed some criminal activity in the neighborhood in January. Whew.

3.) received 2" of accumulated snow last night. this is by far the most obnoxious thing on this list, don't you agree?

and now it is 19 days until i see my holly-polly!

memorable roommates

2011-03-28T21:11:00.002-04:00

i'm sitting here in the office with Ash while he is doing top secret work, listening to Sufjan's Age of Adz b/c it's one of our favorites. and the mood calls for it. he's on the imac, i be on the laptop. and i ask him for a blog topic (like i don't have 40 in my head already). what do i get? bunnies. what the shit? he has babies on the brain. and now he is back to doing what he was doing so i can get no more out of him. this is our life. of the 5 awake hours a day we see each other, we spend roughly 2.5 of them coexisting in the same room, not talking. only glaring when the other toots. boooor-ing! we are that couple.

so new topic. the last post was on home. it seems like so many people i have been talking to lately are dreaming of similar things. a place to call home, whether it be in or out of the city, a house or a condo, or just a place that you can choose the paint color. being in transition does remind me that life is a journey. the home i grew up in wasn't spectacular, but i felt like it was planned well and felt big enough for all five of us. and we lived there my entire life until after college. so did Ash with his family...entire life and they still live there. so i think it makes sense that we both long to have somewhere that we can be for the long haul...for a community that we can be a part of...for better or worse, i guess. and maybe not for the longest of hauls, but longer than we have together to date (3 places in 6 years). we have a running notebook full of dream house ideas...and Ash lets me write whatever i like in the program for the dream house, even if we both know it ~~will definitely~~ may not happen. but all you suckers are going to want to try my bidet when you come over and don't think you won't. and you'll be jealous of my pot filler, carrera marble, and soaking tub too.

so i think i will take a walk down memory lane for a minute as tonight's topic: Memorable Roommates.

speaking of perpetual transition, since i graduated college, i have lived in 7 different places, and in college I changed dorm rooms/apts pretty much every semester that i could, having 9 roommates throughout college. nine roommates was not because i didn't like the people i lived with. not at all...i think i pretty much still keep up with everyone. except for my freshman year roommates.

#1 was a UM pairing they thought would be funny and make it rhyme: Amy/Jamie. similarities ended there. imagine for a moment a giant wolf face poster staring at you every time you walk in the room as well as an even bigger rebel flag hanging in the back of her closet (that you could see from our doorway). the placement of that flag was our first serious tiff...with her redneck boyfriend glaring at me the whole time. it was also a tiff that allowed for my newly acquired mountain bike to stay in the room as well. i forgot to mention that this room was maybe only 20'x13', at most. and carpeted. carpet that was more than 30 years old, kind of a concentrated bile color, having a stale, wet smell that i can still close my eyes and recall without much effort. ACK. i digress. so Jamie had this redneck boyfriend that liked to stay over a LOT. she was a pastor's daughter who was hell bent of sewing her sexual oats every minute she got that semester, which didn't make the room smell any fresher, or allow me to enter my own room without having to knock first. ACK. i'm not judging b/c i was somewhat in the same boat, just not as straight up geeky about it. or maybe i was, i also smoked a lot of weed with the girls across the hall that semester, so i could be wrong about that.

freshman roommate #2 was a girl i partied with a lot in the fall semester. we moved to my sorority hall for the spring semester even though she wasn't in my sorority. Kelli. she had my favorite hand-writing of anyone ever. i can't describe it, but i would want to make it into a font if i knew how. you would think we would be much better paired since we'd become such good friends when i was exiled to her room during the fall semester during Jamie's sexathons. but somewhere towards the end of that fall semester and january, i had become a christian, which just made it inevitably awkward. looking back, it was one of my favorite living situations, despite me learning what it meant to be a christian, and being constantly confronted with the need to relate to and enjoy my friend who was growing increasingly wilder by the day. and bonus, she had gotten back together with her boyfriend at the end of the fall semester, so once again, i had two roommates for the price of one, and still had to knock before entering my own room. i still really enjoyed shenanagans with kelli as she was (and still is, i assume) one of the most hilarious people i have ever known. my favorites were her stalking the south african soccer team boys from our window to see when they were headed to the caf so she could drag me in there with her. or her walk of shame stories she had (while on small hiatuses from boyfriend) from the delta chi house sans pants, and the reasons why she put posters on the ceiling above her bed, and our answering machine messages, both outgoing and ones we would leave each other. but we have lost touch b/c she is not on facebook and i am (that most definitely IS judgement). and she has that side of her that enjoys being very aloof and un-findable, though i did stalk her at the hair studio she worked at for many years and let her make me blonde for a season. i did run into her at the publix in rosemary beach a couple of years ago. i got that unmistakable, "OH-WA. MYYY. GAWD. AY-MEEE LEW-CUS?!" so funny.

unfortunately, Ash had no college roommates (that's actually very sad to me), but he does have a funny post-college roommate story that involves living with a blind guy who owned a gun. again with the knocking and announcing ourselves to roommates upon entry...

happy monday!

HOME

2011-03-16T14:21:00.000-04:00

Though Lent has begun, it's been hard to focus on the soul-searching things I should be thinking of in this season. I feel like I've been doing that since November. And b/c we gave up "buying things" (pretty much anything besides groceries) for Lent, all I want to do is ~~shop~~ browse online. In reality, a lot of what I think about is specifically related to house stuff. A myriad of blogs with beautiful images about how to shape up your space, etc only make me more discontent with where I live/how we are living. For example:

These images are from the website of a design firm and shoppe in Rosemary Beach, FL (that carries some of my work at the beach location):

Every single picture makes me intensely envious of the people who get to live in these spaces. But it also makes me long to own a home again...to create and influence the space I live in in a dramatic way and to make it truly my own. I know first-hand the trials that come with home ownership, but after having rented for 3 years now (which feels much longer), memory has smudged all the F-bombs, frustration and arguments, time-consumption, and 40 trips to Home Depot to connect one bathroom sink, from my thinking about even the smallest renovation, much less, the total overhaul.

Here, I'm saying it on the interwebs, my Ash. Due to my time-warped mind and desire to move somewhere affordable, I actually wouldn't mind a fixer-upper (mostly b/c it offers you an opportunity to be the (co)designer AND client like you always dreamed of ~~and not just b/c we can't afford anything else, coupled with the thought of continuing to live in this dark cramped apartment with a restless kid makes me more than anxious~~).

Though I'm not sure I would be able to create quite these kinds of spaces due to a lack of funds (you noticed the wolf and subzero appliances, and the soaking tub, didn't you?), but I do love creating with Ash. His style is very different from my "rustic" tendencies, and his "contemporary vernacular" often falls short of function in my opinion. And I'm sure we'd have to find a compromise between what he calls "cluttered with junk" and what I call "styled and hospitable." Haha.

I recognize this is just part of my continued looooonging for change in my life, a continual idealization of what is not present. I am longing for wide(r) open(er) spaces and clean(er) air, wherever that may be found. No place is ideal in our minds, but it's not a big secret that we would love to move back to the South. We are always looking for an opportunity. I am certain it will happen one day, sooner rather than later, even if just for Ellery's sake of being a little closer to family. It will be bittersweet in the leaving here as much as it has been bittersweet in the coming, the staying and doing life here.

Cheers to not being stuck in renovation at the moment, not being house-poor, and to the Spring which should be arriving soon, with a preview tomorrow and Friday.

Oh, and what did you give up for Lent?

98 and 3/4 percent guaranteed

2011-03-08T12:57:00.000-05:00

I was reading to Ellers this weekend. A book that, coincidentally, Ashley and I both were given upon our graduations. The middle to last part stuck out in particular to me in this season of our life, as we contemplate our own going or staying. And a happy late birthday to dear Theodor Seuss Geisel.

OH!
THE PLACES YOU'LL GO!...by Dr. Seuss

You'll come down from the Lurch
with an unpleasant bump.
And the chances are, then,
that you'll be in a Slump.

And when you're in a Slump,
you're not in for much fun.
Un-slumping yourself
is not easily done.

You will come to a place where the streets are not marked.
Some windows are lighted. But mostly they're darked.
A place you could sprain both your elbow and chin!
Do you dare to stay out? Do you dare to go in?
How much can you lose? How much can you win?

And IF you go in, should you turn left or right...
or right-and-three-quarters? Or, maybe, not quite?
Or go around back and sneak in from behind?
Simple it's not, I'm afraid you will find,
for a mind-maker-upper to make up his mind.

You can get so confused
that you'll start in to race
down long wiggled roads at a break-necking pace
and grind on for miles cross weirdish wild space,
headed, I fear, toward a most useless place.
The Waiting Place...

...for people just waiting.
Waiting for a train to go
or a bus to come, or a plane to go
or the mail to come, or the rain to go
or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow
or the waiting around for a Yes or No
or waiting for their hair to grow.
Everyone is just waiting.

Waiting for the fish to bite
or waiting for the wind to fly a kite
or waiting around for Friday night
or waiting, perhaps, for their Uncle Jake
or a pot to boil, or a Better Break
or a string of pearls, or a pair of pants
or a wig with curls, or Another Chance.
Everyone is just waiting.

NO!
That's not for you!

Somehow you'll escape
all that waiting and staying
You'll find the bright places
where Boom Bands are playing.

With banner flip-flapping,
once more you'll ride high!
Ready for anything under the sky.
Ready because you're that kind of a guy!

Oh, the places you'll go! There is fun to be done!
There are points to be scored. There are games to be won.
And the magical things you can do with that ball
will make you the winning-est winner of all.
Fame! You'll be as famous as famous can be,
with the whole wide world watching you win on TV.

Except when they don't
Because, sometimes they won't.

I'm afraid that some times
you'll play lonely games too.
Games you can't win
'cause you'll play against you.

All Alone!
Whether you like it or not,
Alone will be something
you'll be quite a lot.

And when you're alone, there's a very good chance
you'll meet things that scare you right out of your pants.
There are some, down the road between hither and yon,
that can scare you so much you won't want to go on.

But on you will go
though the weather be foul.
On you will go
though your enemies prowl.
On you will go
though the Hakken-Kraks howl.
Onward up many
a frightening creek,
though your arms may get sore
and your sneakers may leak.

On and on you will hike,
And I know you'll hike far
and face up to your problems
whatever they are.

You'll get mixed up, of course,
as you already know.
You'll get mixed up
with many strange birds as you go.
So be sure when you step.
Step with care and great tact
and remember that Life's
a Great Balancing Act.
Just never forget to be dexterous and deft.
And never mix up your right foot with your left.

And will you succeed?
Yes! You will, indeed!
(98 and 3/4 percent guaranteed.)...

Copyright 1990.

2011-03-07T14:30:00.001-05:00

I love the weekends with Ash. All of it. And E does too. She and I are much more restful and at peace when this man we love is WITH us. I love getting him at his best...in the morning, well, mid-morning (you'll see). Most days, he is gone before I wake up, and gets home around 7p. After we put EV down, we have maybe 2 hours of time together before we hit the hay. Maybe. His eyes start rolling about 9p most nights, as well they should since he naturally wakes up on the dark side of 5a or 6a most days. That is typically the deepest part of sleep for this girl. I still think it's funny that we are so opposite when it comes to sleeping. He can almost fall asleep before his head hits the pillow and it takes me what feels like forever to finally fall asleep. He wakes early and I can sleep-in with ease when Ellery isn't waking me up to early. It's even more odd, if not just plain sad, that most of our time together is spent sleeping. Close but unconscious. Yeah, it's just sad. But it's our reality. If only we could converse in our dreams...

Why are our lives so busy, so filled with so much work? It's frustrating that the person I care the most for in this world is someone I feel like I see so little. It makes me feel like we never use our time together as well as we should considering the ratio is so off.

This kind of thinking makes me reflective of how little I contemplate the larger presence in my life. Of God. As a Christian, it's a little shocking even to me, how little thought or time or energy I have for loving God and loving people. I don't blog about this often b/c there are quite a few of our friends that don't know this about us. It's not something that easily finds its way into conversation up here in New England. Church: yes, religion: yes, but often with hostility...which doesn't make it easy to discuss knowing God, which is very different. I really don't like religion. And most of the time, I don't like church. It's easier to be funny and snarky or to just drink my wine and keep quiet for fear of being grouped in with Westboro Baptists or have to fight against with someone's past experience, often a very bad past experience. And we all know I'd rather just have fun.

So in hiding (I'll admit it), I feel like our role in relationships has been more of listening and learning one with some of our friends in the last three years here in Boston. And I have to say, I've learned so much more about people in general, and my interaction in the world as someone who says they love God than I ever thought about before. Don't get me wrong, I feel like it's present in the South, but still very buried. And the results for me have challenged a lot of my auto-responses and how I dialog--I feel like I've just gotten to relax a bit too, which is a surprise. I'm so thankful for all the people that I know here. For the moments I brush up against and can very tangibly feel the anger people have with the church and God. I have it myself. It clouds my view of a God, and easily leads me to bitterness and assumption instead of more understanding.

I feel like this season has been a good place to hide. The good part has been listening, understanding and reflection. The bad is that it quickly hardens my heart toward many things, as isolation is prone to do. And I do hope that it is a passing season for me (the hiding). I am not ashamed, but I just don't know how to articulate very quickly or effectively what kind of person who loves God that I actually am. I hope I am one that is struggling alongside all these wonderfully diverse people I love here in Boston and elsewhere to understand meaning and relationship and that very real ache that nothing else fills. Not even a husband who comes home to me at night and on the weekends. Or my dream house. Or dream vacation. Or warm weather.

I don't know what else to say.

Thoughts?

Seasonal Affected Disorder

2011-03-01T15:19:00.001-05:00

Anyway. Now that it's March, my Southern self cannot shake the idea that Spring is all but here, with warmer breezes and budding branches, but it most definitely is NOT. I want change. CHANGE. I long for change with every ounce of energy I have...which to say is not much these days. Not just for seasons, though that is the biggest thing, but in every area of my life. I want new clothes, new shoes, warm weather to wear them in, new toys for EV, a new (owned by me) house, a new life (same characters though). I am itching for what I feel powerless to change. And I know I don't need these things, nor that they are any kind of answer, but I'm sunk in my desire for them and lured by the tangibleness of purchasing that new sundress. If I buy it, Spring will come, right? I want a new heart too. I am appathetic and feel 100 years old. Things that once pricked my heart are barely a blip on my screen. I want a new me...the ideal me. And I want it to just happen. BAH! Reading that outloud is hilarious, isn't it? OF COURSE it doesn't work that way. But I can still squinch my eyes real tight-like and hope, right? Let's all do it. I think this is great advice for the younger generation...

Confession: I did go to H&M this morning and scooped up some super cute things for the Little Miss AND that sundress I spoke of earlier. (Don't tell Ash.) I mean, come ON. Now that we have a beach trip planned, my head is constantly dreaming of every waking second that I'll be spending on that beach, toes in sand, sangria in hand. I am planning what to pack, what to wear on the plane, etc. I cannot wait even though it is more than 10 sickeningly long weeks away.*SIGH*

Oh, and after finally going a little more LIVE with this little blog by posting it to FB, it's easy for me to want to censor myself a little more like we all must do on FB. or with our in-laws.

eh. maybe.

I'm still not going to alter my vernacular. FTS (a phrase Ash has asked me not to start using unless i'm willing to also start smoking virginia slims and wearing leather pants). Well sir, point me to the tanning bed and light'er up. I already have other forms of abbreviated verbal accoutrement that work their way into conversation, why would that one be any different? This is a judgement-FREE zone, people, ~~and I've been buzzed with more than a few of you and have heard your mouth as well.~~

I'm working on a better format for this little blog other than the rambling tree thoughts it has become, so keep reading. Hopefully I it will get better. And more interesting. And thoughtful. And maybe even funny from time to time. Maybe.

In the meantime, call Holly and tell her to come see me.

head full of doubt, road full of promise

2011-02-25T15:24:00.001-05:00

b/c many of you have inquired of late, this blog is for you. the studio. i will be officially moving out of the studio this summer. those of you who wish to help me (and by help, i mean take me drinking that night), i welcome your generosity. this will be the first time i am without a studio in a very long time. it kind of makes me feel a little (more) claustrophobic that i realized i had been feeling...particularly b/c of the weather here. i feel a little shoved into this motherhood thing now...into this season completely...no more entrepreneurial mama. just mama. just wife. a friend emailed me about this next step and offered me the phrase "simmering" as to what i will be doing creatively as i move forward. i like that. i hope i just do not burn in the process. i do hope to return to a place where i can feel creative and feel like i am doing something that involves my brain. i know that stay at home moms do a lot of work, so i'll say this: this season will be the first time i have not actively made money since i was 14 years old and it feels strange and induces a bit of panic in me, i must admit. this little business held strong when Ash was laid off, making more money that ever while he was out of work. what if that happens again? what would we do? alas, i know this is that part of "living in fear" i wanted to depart from this year--it is crouching at my door ready to pounce. i know that the contributions i will make to our family and life together will become even more diversified and will be a struggle for me to not compare who has the "better role."

in general, my thoughts at present are on summer. on warmness. it's easy for every thought to feel bitter in the middle of this 6 month winter. i can close my eyes and imagine the sun on my face, the breeze on my bare arms and it is too much for me. we planned a family beach trip to rosemary in may and it is over 70 days away, also too much for me to think about right now. i feel like winter is my reluctant lent...fasting from the sun, from warmth and opportunities to enjoy being outdoors, and with friends more often. i can appreciate more fully what i've been made to live without. i hope. for instance, this summer i am also hoping that Hols will move up here. i know it's a little far-fetched for me to hope for this. i've tried almost every summer we've been up here, and this year is no different. not just for reasons i cannot mention, but because i just miss her. i love my sister. i love being with her. and i'm being selfish too. i want her here with me. in the same city. in boston. not bhm. not knoxville. i want to ride bikes with her along the charles and have girls' nights. for ellery to really get to know and love her Auntie Lolly. to have inside jokes and have fun. that's all. is that too much to ask?

even as i write this post, i feel like i can never get what my real thoughts are, OUT. it's so frustrating. i've not posted in way too long until now and then when i have a moment to post, i feel eluded by the day, unable to articulate the things i have REALLY been thinking in full, to even make connections. i get distracted by the need to keep the entries cohesive. but you know me, right? when have i ever really been cohesive in conversation? distracted: yes. focused: no. am i barreling into a season of continued malingering b/c i am only around a toddler all day...? oy VEY.

on an almost completely unrelated note, this video inspired me this week (it took 2600 paintings!):

have a wonderful weekend, friends.

blah blah blah

2011-01-30T13:59:00.001-05:00

today it's 35 degrees. just another january day in boston. it's hard to try to push aside my longing for spring b/c i know we still have at least 3 more FULL months of this. warm weather has a such a lusty appeal for me that it kind of feels dirty at times. in the 29 years of living in warm climate, i am as my brother would say, "ruint" for any other climate. at this moment, there are snow piles on the side of the roads taller than i am...we have had 60" of snow in january and that's only #3 of the list of snowiest months in boston for all time. true story. and this shit isn't melting until may, people. shopping centers are hidden by walls of snow piles so much so that you cannot even see the businesses located behind them. this is the winter of my discontent, quite literally.

one of my remedies for such blah is loooooong hot showers, which i now have to share with a toddler playing beneath me in the tub. you're getting a visual and feeling bad for EV, aren't you? she loves it as much as i do and it gives us something to do inside other than stare at each other, or me having to wrestle more playdoh out of her mouth...or another marker she has just pretended was lipstick, lipstick that should be eaten, mind you. i am continually amazed that she will only put into her mouth that which is NOT food.

i have also started baking more. i kind of started this trend our first winter here when i was sick and pregnant. mmm, bread, pastry, muffins, scones, more bread was the only cure for my addiction to carbs. currently, our gym membership is lending itself to the battle against muffin tops. i'm not sure who's winning that one right now. finding a gym with babysitting was probably one of the most genius things we have ever done as a family. in addition to giving us a much needed time out from each other every afternoon, i have more motivation than i ever have to work out consistently. so anyway, baking: today i made banana nut muffins from scratch, a birthday cake for a friend, and am roasting eggplant to make some babaghanoush. YUM. i will say that most of my baking of late has become increasingly more "how can i fit more fiber into that?" kind of baking. which either makes me a weight watchers star or really old. i'll leave that one out there for discussion.

and i'm blogging! you'd think i'd be spending my weekend time with the hubs, right? well, i would LOVE to, but lost out to the first round of a super-secret-very-cool-i-am-so-proud-of-him-for-trying-something-like-this project. more on that another time. i'm actually content to not complain about this right now, being that i would also stand to benefit hugely from the possible outcome of this project. again with the selfishness...

i hope your weekends are going well. i hope today is restful for you before your week begins. and i hope there is no snow if your forecast.

So. Much. CRAP.

2011-01-24T14:05:00.001-05:00

Ah. HOME. i love being here. it has nothing to do with the place we live, b/c as you know, i kind of hate it. it's dumpy, but settled, and priced fairly for boston, so i'll take it for now. i do love being in MY place, MY bed, with just MY family, on MY schedule (or rather, EV's, as it goes). i'm just going to own how selfish that sounds b/c, after 10 days of it, i am done with traveling for awhile...especially for work. especially solo with a toddler.

ESPECIALLY with a toddler...

As busy as i've been the last couple of weeks with work, it's almost been the last thing on my mind most of the time (plenty of blog entries to come). i'm kind of over what i do. it's just work to me. it's not creative anymore. it's not very profitable anymore. i did FINE at the show itself, but by the third day, i was walking around with my nose in the air, looking down on all the poor little buyers and sellers as if they were stuck in some sort of perpetual sorority rush party, making small talk and using their fake laugh. gag me. there was just SO. MUCH. CRAP at that show, and why do i even want to compete? to be frank, i can't. the "handmade movement" (EYE ROLL) has, in many ways, KILLED handmade. buyers still want it cheap (or they think they can make it), so many handmade artists still design it, but ship it off to be made in china and africa for a fraction of the price, sell themselves as "charitable" and call it a day. no quality, no joy in the process or being able to communicate that to buyers, just production. where is the craftsman instead of the businessman? i've seen it over and over again and forgive me for being judgemental, but there are stark few of us who still care how it's made and are interested in the process. as for the business side of it, i am certain it will lose momentum. i know it gives more room for similar products to surge ahead, but i really don't care. HAVE AT IT. i'm tired of living the carnie life and worrying about stupid little things that go along with wholesale/retail shows. i'm tired of leaving for days on end, toting the child every which way. i'm TIIIIIIRD of the benefits not outweighing the costs for me in this season of life. I have been successful at this and it's time to move on. well, after i fill all the current orders, that is. and taper down the current inventory though the last few retail shows this year.

sincerely though, i don't want the story i live to continue to magnify things that don't really matter to me...to crowd my brain in such a way that the rest of my life seems to be waiting on me to jump in. it's like i'm slowly waking up. something that had once been so life-giving has been strangling me for awhile now and i am seeing an opportunity to let go of it. i'm actually not afraid to let go of it b/c i'm really understanding more now how little my work defines me.

i hope it helps me be a better woman/wife/mama. i know it's been easy for me to view EV as distraction from my work, when often i know, in the deepest part of me, what the distraction has really been. i hope i don't become that SaHM that i have feared becoming (which is controversial to even say anyway). what i mean is that i hope that my capacity for motherhood is expanded in this next season b/c it feels tiny right now. i have to stop rethinking my status as a mom and accept it with gusto. no one told me these thoughts happen. i really want to enjoy it more than i have. to relish the long days with short naps as best i can. and to love my husband better. and i realize that i kind of have the luxury of being able to choose this next step from a financial standpoint that many people do not have. i know we will be facing a micro-recession up in this house. maybe not. we'll see.

and how long it is until summer? it is an effing 7 degrees today, people. wtf?!

Snow and other infirmities

2011-01-12T14:21:00.000-05:00

happy snow day.

being that i have less that 24 hours before i'm supposed to leave Boston for the ATL gift market (with wee mcclure in tow), and i have about 18" of snow outside and i'm done packing (for the most part), i thought i would take the time to update our little, neglected blog. and b/c i'm working on my second pot of coffee today and it's this or more snow shoveling b/c whoa have i got energy. oh, and Ash is working from home, with, i might add, just his long johns on. oww oww!

i've been so busy getting everything ready for this show that i haven't really had the time i want to think thoughts on any particular subject beyond reacting like a caveman-uh huh, ugga, wha...? though i started taking time to "think" over the holidays a little more. i've been reading donald miller's "a million miles in a thousand years" and it's been good for me to reflect on the story i'm currently living. what's more, it's good for me to think bigger than my life for a change. especially around this time of year, when i find myself hating life in new england and all this stupid cold (did i mention we are have snow of epic proportions today?), and needing, no, LONGING for change. where do i want to be at the end of the year, personally...even literally? much more than that, where in the bigger story does my story make sense? i'm just asking right now, hoping to see answers flesh themselves out in the days and weeks to come. there are specifics i hope that will happen...very literal and exacting, but the key on that, i guess, is hope. more on that later.

for now, here is a paraphrased selection from a chapter in the aforementioned book: "We get robbed of the glory of life b/c we aren't capable of remembering how we got here....we wake slowly to the world around us...we could easily believe life isn't staggering....at that moment, I felt the way I hope God feels when he writes the world, sitting over planets and placing tiny people in tiny wombs. If I have a hope, it's that God sat over the dark nothing and wrote you and me, specifically, into the story, and put us in it with the sunset and ~~snow~~rainstorm as though to say, Enjoy your place in my story. The beauty of it means you matter, and you can create within it even as i have created you..."

for now, i'm excited at the prospect of leaving my teething child with her grandmother for a few days, selling some goods, and having an adventure with the amazing Steph (and hopefully ~~forcing~~ helping her deal with some of her learned food aversions - fourth paragraph down).

i thought you might enjoy a few pictures from our snowy morning. these pics are deceivingly "fun" and "beautiful" if you really know what the 6+ month winter is like in Boston, but alas, we have no actual pictures of hell, now do we...?

and as EV would say: "Haddle do!"

new year.

2011-01-03T08:37:00.000-05:00

So I have been mustering up a post in my head the last few weeks/days and while I work it out, I thought I would post a link to my bestie's blog b/c she has a way with words...particularly since this post hit pretty close to home for me today. I hope you enjoy.

Happy New Year, friends.

Advent blogging

2010-12-12T20:51:00.000-05:00

so...our church has had an advent blog going over the course of the last few weeks. it's been written by members of the parish. despite my silence on our little blog, i did get to post one for the church's blog. i mean, what did you expect, me to blog on both? do you know me?

here is my entry. But I also particularly liked the one by Courtney on day 14.

I hope you are all doing well and enjoying this advent/Christmas season. I hope to post more in the coming days.

Oh, and here's our Christmas card this year...

dirty thirty

2010-11-13T22:19:00.001-05:00

So Ash turned the big three-OOOOH this week. We had the most fun ever at the Sufjan Stevens show at the Orpheum Theatre in downtown Boston. Amazingness of the best kind and I hope to post a video or two later. I pretty much had the flip on the entire time. It felt a ~~little~~ lot like he threw a birthday party for Ash b/c there was ginormous balloon drop and a confetti canon alongside some pretty sweet dance moves. SO. GOOD. Okay, I'll stop gushing. After the show, we, along with quite a slew of people we know, went over to Stoddard's for some cake + beers + heckling Ash for his age.

I thought I would use the rest of this post to gush about my dear hubs. Thirty reasons I love you, Ash...And/OR random things people don't know about you (in no particular order):

1.) you talk in your sleep...mostly giggle/chuckle. And your limbs ALWAYS jerk sharply as you fall asleep, waking me up.
2.) you make me love Jesus more by how you love me.
3.) your favorite way to start a sentence is, "Well...apparently..." even if what is coming next is more obvious than it is apparent...
4.) you are way more patient with people than I can ever imagine being...including with myself.
5.) you always give people the benefit of the doubt.
6.) you are an amazing piano player...and I'm sitting here listing to it right now. you also play the trumpet, organ and the banjo, kind of.
7.) you are considering a tattoo. raaarrrr. an inked man. holla!
8.) you are more like your mom in the tiniest of ways than you will ever admit.
9.) my "thinking out loud" still makes you SO anxious. And gives me every reason to continue doing it.
10.) you have way more character, integrity and fortitude than anyone I have ever met.
11.) the worst thing I have ever heard anyone say about you is that you need to be more assertive.
12.) you are way sillier than I ever thought you could be before I married you. WAY.
13.) you let me entertain stupid ideas about just about anything...but always jump in with truth just when you see me starting to believe the lies in my head.
14.) you would have a much harder time writing all this about yourself than I'm having right now.
15.) you show your love to people with sarcasm, wit and awkward hugs.
16.) you used to want to be ~~an underwear model~~ an ambulance driver when you were younger.
17.) when you get excited about a particular dish I make (or anything, really), you bounce. literally. without realizing it. up. down. up. down.
18.) you still think I like surprise parties...and try SO hard to make them happen.
19.) you are the "clean" one in this relationship (not that that really surprises anyone).
20.) you couldn't quote a movie if you tried.
21.) that you and I can go 20 consecutive rounds of paper-rock-scissors TYING every time.
22.) you leave room for each of us to change who we are in this progression of life.
23.) I didn't know men like you existed before I met you and you totally swept me off my feet. And still do.
24.) your biggest strength is your quiet kindness and those who don't know you well wrongly mistake that as a weakness.
25.) somehow we can be SO different on the outside and at the same time, we think SO the same.
26.) you hate board games/group games as much as I do.
27.) you are slow to speak, even when it kills you or causes you to be misunderstood.
28.) you are the most amazing husband. I am so lucky.
29.) you are the most amazing father to EV. She is so lucky.
30.) you will immediately want me to take this list down once I hit "publish."

I love you, birthday ~~boy~~ man!

Vacation, part deux

2010-11-03T14:08:00.000-04:00

here are some of our vacation images. unfortunately, we didn't take any with our "good camera" until the last leg of the trip...in the catskills in our cool modern cabin in the woods. did i mention it had a hot tub?

Ellery is asking where we are going, "wah deedle DAH?"

Ash really does walk like this...he is my own personal toy soldier...

This is my better, more vacationed side...

Again with the questions..."Wah. DEEDLE. DAH?!"

learning to play in the leaves...

So, if I can get the pictures from the cell phone to upload, we'll have some NYC shots. And Gene and Laura, if you have any of Ellers playing with Nell, send them our way.

Check Engine

2010-11-03T09:28:00.000-04:00

So many of you know that we have had repeated problems with our car of late. We bought a 2004 Saturn Vue in June 2009 when our Altima lease was up. And for the record, this is my 3rd Saturn and only one that has ever given me problems. We paid it off this past June. And somewhere in there, the check engine light came on. Then it would go off. Then back on. *sigh* Figures.

We decided to get it checked out ($100) and found out it was some kind of ignition something + the spark plugs/coils. So we replaced it to the tune of $340. Then the light came back on. Ugh. We took it back and found out it was one of the coils/plugs they replaced. Easy, right? They replaced them. Done. Then, the light came back on. Took it back again and they added insulators b/c they said it was saying the same coil was bad, meaning it could be some module thing near it overheating, not the coil itself. Does that mean that initial $340 was for something that wasn't wrong in the first place?! So they put in the new module (for a reduced price, apparently). Ash picks it up, gets around the block, and guess what? LIGHT ON AGAIN! So he went back in for the refund. And now the light has been on for two days until last night when it magically went off. Or burned out. There is still a faint image of the check engine symbol I can still see, but I can't tell if it's just burned into my brain or it's dash lights mocking me.

So I think Ash will be making a call to Car Talk this weekend. I'm taking bets on Click&Clack's ability to solve this mystery. And also for Ash's ability to clearly describe the problem to them. Any takers?

home is whenever i'm with you...

2010-10-27T22:52:00.004-04:00

tonight i miss this room. what it felt like to be in this room...with friends around the table, drinking and laughing and drinking, and being seriously serious about loftier things. i remember when we bought (the table) and got it home, we prayed that it's use would always be one of genuine hospitality, warmth and love.

and i miss that piano. and Ash playing it. that one has been in storage since we moved up here and he's currently playing the "new" keyboard he bought to finally give himself the chance to play more now that we have been in Boston for 2.5 years already. it resides in our closet/office/music room behind our bedroom. it couldn't possibly sound more different. our life couldn't be much different now that it was in these pictures. it makes me incredibly sad some days that we do not still own this house...and that we can never return to that time or place. our first home together was here. i know people say it was just a house, and maybe time has made me see it as more than it was even at the time. i'm sure of it. but i am certain that i loved that house more than i hated it.

as for where we live now...at least we could paint it the colors we wanted...

what i love about where we live now has little to do with how anything looks or is setup. mostly, it's a struggle with the toys that E is slowly accumulating in such cramped quarters (and our furniture doesn't quite fit. the rest of the make-it-work furniture will be sold when we leave here). i love how our home smells when we come home from vacation. how large our new bed is...and comfy too. i love that E has her own room, which is a luxury in Boston, i realize. i love that friends of ours live close enough to us (though not two doors down, Su Su). i love that we can walk anywhere...to the T, to the downtown area of JP, to any playground we like, through the Forest Hills Cemetary...or we could drive...that anything we "need" is less than a mile away. i love that i'm starting to run into people that we know at the store or on our walks...finally! i used to ~~hate~~ take that for granted in Bhm, especially b/c i was never particularly interested in seeing whomever it was that i ran into, typically. Funny that a con has now become a pro.

as we contemplate where we will "end up" in life, i find myself with a laundry list of wants/do-not-wants (and the "oh hell nos"). i want community and have known it in both places we've lived. i want to know the back roads and be able to give directions or pass along a good electrician (although i DO have a mac guy). i want to have friends that will just come in the back door and riffle through my fridge. i want to have a space that works and that i can put my big table in so i can sit all of my friends around and laugh and drink and talk with.

and i want Ash to play his piano. his real piano.

back from vacation part 1

2010-10-26T14:24:00.001-04:00

so while i'm still sorting my thoughts out on our trip, staying in other peoples' homes (both friends and not-friends), check out this sweet little gem on co-habitation. Steph, thanks for the link to the link, my friend.

Pictures and details to come.

one leg...

2010-10-12T14:04:00.000-04:00

So this has had me laughing so hard today...I love Amy Poehler for a variety of reason, but Amber has to be one of my favorites. Jealous?

It's no secret that I love fart jokes. I mean, that's why we're friends, right?

I guess growing up with this guy:

didn't really give me any options for alternative forms of humor, considering he used to fart in his hand and put it in my face. Or hold me down and just fart right on my face. Hmmm, based on the last two sentences, you'd think I'd actually hate farts. But then again, who actually hates them? I mean come ON. Hate? That's such a strong word. The irony is that my dear hubs didn't even know what a dutch oven was when we got married even though he grew up with a brother. And even admitted in recent years that he had never farted in front of his mom (until one day he did without thinking about it). He's going to totally be mad at me now.

I digress.

So I don't remember what I was originally going to post about other than to just prove to Ash that I can blog more than once a week.

Oh yeah, the barista who was almost severely injured...After having been a barista myself for well over 7 years during HS, college and afterwards, I understand the fury that is controlled by a prescribed amount of caffeine. The ability to contribute in one way or another to some people's daily routine admittedly gives you a small sense of power and control...but I was never blatant about wanting to eff with people (no matter how much I thought about it)...and I was never out right rude. A little too much syrup or over-pulled shot here, or a little scalded milk there...just enough that I would still get the benefit of the doubt and the mistake wouldn't be realized until they were well on their way. But I never withheld just be a jerk in the face of a customer...Or let 4 people's go ahead of another drink...Or finished the drink and still didn't put it on the counter within reach just b/c I was an assinine twit with no ambition other than to be the biggest white trash hipster in Boston.

After almost leaning across the counter and whispering, "I will CUT you" to said barista, I had a moment of reflection. I need counseling. I am way angrier than that barista, at least for someone who has been redeemed. Henceforth, I am on the search for said counselor and would welcome suggestions.

Oh, and I just farted...jealous?

failure

2010-10-11T13:49:00.000-04:00

this whole groaning over whether or not to let the business go/take a break has been going on way too long. i feel like i've been on a sinking ship for quite some time...especially since Ellery was born. juggling time with her + home + all that Olaria requires doesn't seem worthwhile. it's not like it's even creative anymore. it's just production. it's a dying stinking beast that isn't earning it's keep. i barely make enough to pay the babysitter/daycare and any satisfaction that could happen is not there. i keep wondering why am i going to all this effort. i work weekends, nights, early mornings (sometimes) and feel less and less creative. the last two wholesale shows have left me feeling like little more than a monkey jumping through ridiculous hoops.

i have to make a decision about my next wholesale show by today at 5pm EST. if i don't do it, i can't keep the studio. if i can't keep the studio, i can't work on anything...even creatively (in clay). the next likely chance that i'll get to work like this again is after this current station of life and kid(s) are in school. that last sentence does not mean i'm pregnant again...or that we are trying. we are not.

i keep thinking and praying and looking at pros and cons and i just need someone to tell me what to do.

next post will be positive. i promise. i may even tell you about the barista i nearly beheaded.

so: tell me what to do.

starting again

2010-10-04T09:47:00.000-04:00

Okay, so don't fall out that I'm posting. It's become one of those things that is kind of like getting on a scale...I don't post...then it's gotten embarrassingly longer since...then it's like, what's the point? I've been a little busy. Even now, I'm swatting little fingers away from the keyboard as I type in game like fashion. Oh Ellery, you are definitely the best and often most frustrating part of my day. Like NOW, she has decided that my cup on water was more useful as a hat. Good thing it was only half full. That's probably good though, no bath later.

So I don't want to try to catch you up on a year's worth of stuff, but let the evidence of zero posts point to the fact that overwhelmed doesn't even do it justice. I'm glad to know I'm not alone in being a mama, a business-owner, etc. Balance continually eludes me but I hope, going forward, to find the time to have more fun with our little blog and catch up with you all. I'm working off the theme of bittersweetness in all things in my life in the last few years. Sometimes the flavor is more intense than at other times, but it seems to be an undercurrent to all things. More on that later, I'm sure. And more pictures. I promise.

For a bit of something sunny on such a cold autumn morning, here are a few things I love about my life right now.

Ellery wakes up in the morning SO happy and chatty. "we deedle dah! bah zeezle dah. baaaaaah zha da dadada" She is such a happy, sweet kid in more ways that I can express on FB without feeling too overindulgent. LOVE that kid. She gets more and more fun by the day with her little antics, personality and words. Currently, all we have are dada (all the time), mama (only sometimes), wow (on command), uhoh (also on command, and appropriately when something falls, although I feel like she is also starting to use it ironically, which is awesome). UH OOOOOOOHHH!

Adult people: This girl has described me in her blog as a cool drink of water, but I find it to be even more true of her in mine. Refreshing and true and an amazing refreshment...especially having learning more of her story. Have you ever met someone and as you get to know them, you just become continually amazed at their story and how lucky you are to just be a part of their life? Yeah, that's her. And she's hilarious. HIlarious.

I love our new church. I love the people (like the friend above) I've gotten to know there and how genuine they are. I love that I'm being called back to just love Jesus and not get bogged down in the drama that can be church. And has been church for us in the not recent past. I still miss the music from our old church...how so often listening to it is more of a meeting of my soul to Jesus than many hours of sitting in church or trying to read the Bible.

I love fall itself here in New England: beautiful. So colorful. I only wish it didn't mean we were approaching my least favorite season and the longest season up here. It's like going to play with your favorite friend, but being tricked into a closet by her older brother and being locked away for 6 months.

We actually have a family vacation coming up soon that we are almost too giddy about. A McClure Three vacation for the first time ever. We won't be going to see family, which is what our time off has meant since we've been up here. We are taking it for ourselves and going on a road trip to Philly, then to Brooklyn, then to a cabin in the Catskills. Some good friends, some adventure, and some rest in the woods. Another bit of news is that Ashley is now a registered architect. Something way too long in the making. And his firm did, in fact, hire him back last November (for those of you who were still unclear on the details of it all).

So thanks for reading...and for not taking us out of your reader. I hope I don't get neglectful of this blog again...my goal is 1-2 a week for now. Okay, so many just one a week. Now for some play time with my baby girl!

summer bouquet

2009-08-06T17:07:00.003-04:00

so as you recover from the shock of actually seeing an update on here, i will also let you know that we promise to try to upload photos of buttercup as soon as possible for those of you who aren't on facebook. hopefully, that will be next week.

i'm usually so busy with the business and all that is going on b/w that and home that i find writing to be difficult. more difficult still is taking the time to think thoughts worth writing. with Ash being off work this summer, that alone thinking time has been even more minimal. not that i need to be alone to think, it's just that constant companionship usually results in seeing my thoughts/emotions about everything come at a distance. like maybe passing by a fields of flowers, but never stopping by to collect a few to take home with me. or a junk yard. y'know, whatever analogy works here.

This morning i was emailing a friend whom i rarely get to speak to and (though it was unnecessarily early to be up and thinking), it actually made me sit down and think about these last few months and about this season of life i find myself/us in. i think i've been so bad about catching up with dear friends that it's been easy to not catch up with myself.

i would never have said that it would be a good thing for my husband to get laid off in the last few months before we bring our first child into the world. how scary is that? what i didn't expect in these days is to fall in love with this man all over again. and to relish these last days together sans kiddo(s). being that we have only known each other in the daily grind of working life, we've never really had extended time to just hang out and BE with one another. we have been stripped of projects to do around the house like we had in Bhm. we have been stripped of income to do things we'd otherwise love to do. but there are a surprising amount of free/cheap things to do here in the summer. (i mean, hello beaches). i've been busy at times with the business and he's been studying for his ARE's all summer. i feel a little guilty saying that these past 2.5 months have been my favorite of our marriage b/c we've had time to just hang out with each other. and despite the other part of these kinds of circumstances, i DO feel God's kindness stripping away a lot of bitterness I hadn't realized had puddled in my heart. he is taking away my "AH-HA, i KNEW it! You aren't good after all..." thinking. though i know i'm not becoming any kind of pollyanna or anything, b/c it's hard not to think a dark and stormy cloud is approaching like i always do. it's really been a sweet time with him anticipating this baby. and i cannot WAIT to see him with our daughter.

as of now, we haven't heard anything from his old job yet about the possibility of rehiring, but have been living on the MA Dept. of Unemployment with our fingers crossed. Ash IS looking for work, but i think nationally, about 40% of architects are out of work, which makes the opps few and the pool of applicants large. which is another reason that finishing his tests could improve his chances of getting rehired somewhere sooner. it's interesting, the day he got laid off, I received a $1200 wholesale order (which is absolutely not the norm, in case you were wondering)...then more orders, and more re-orders...and it's been crazy unpredictable and busy for the business. all that to say, i feel like we are being taken care of and am more hopeful than i thought i would be at this point. asking me that post-partum make get you a different answer though. just putting that out there.

and so, holy crap. we are having a kid sometime this week. i think i will be holding her in total shock. i think she will be having her own kid one day and i will still be in shock that i have kids. pregnancy has been pretty good to me...this week is definitely getting a little uncomfortable though, especially after Ash and I decide to take 3 miles walks. i will say, i'm tired of people asking me, A.) Are you just ready to explode? and B.) Aren't you just SO miserable (b/c you LOOK miserable)? baby girl is measuring kind of large and my normally straight-faced doctor even used the phrase 'crimeny! this is a big baby!' when she inspected the belly a few weeks ago. it's okay though, b/c apparently, i have the pelvis for it, she assured me. nice...thanks doc.

so i hope that catches you up. you know i have to exhaust your ears/eyes (and my fingers) in this whole blogging process when I do it. i'm assuming i won't have the brain capacity to write one like this for awhile. hopefully our next update will include pictures of a cute baby girl! Squeeeeal!

~love from the bean.

Getting laid. off.

2009-05-22T07:01:00.004-04:00

“As of May 20^th, 2009, your status as an employee has been terminated.”

That’s how my severance letter read. The actual meeting with HR went a bit differently. The HR director had a small wrinkled piece of paper on her hand that seemed like it had been working hard. You could tell it had been through a lot of these meetings. The piece of paper had bullet points on it. I couldn’t read what it said, but I’m sure it was her talking points and her key phrases.

Hi, Ashley. I have _______ here in my office. We were just discussing your schedule. Could you come down so we could discuss it with you?

Pleasantries were exchanged. Three times I was asked how I was. Only two people in the room, but somehow they managed to ask that question three times.

I knew why I was there.

I’m sorry to say that we’re going to have to let you go.

The words came abruptly. Even though I expected them, it was still sudden. The previous day, the day I returned to work from my vacation, I saw one person walking around the office crying. The person next to me received a phone call and never came back to his desk. Everyone knew what was going on – it was the third round this year.

We just want to let you know this wasn’t a performance related decision.

That made me feel better, but I had heard this spill before when they talked about the previous people who had been selected to leave. I always assumed that they were being nice and polite in an effort not to further malign discarded employees. I mean, they had to make the decision somehow – who wouldn’t weed out the least fittest among us?

But then it was said to me.

I never had a negative performance review. I was pretty sure that I was going the extra mile for my project, at least a few extra hundred feet or so. But then, I wasn’t planning on leaving in a few months to go back to school. I had a billable project assignment. I was working overtime, and not being paid for it. Other people who were planning on leaving in a few months, did not have project assignments, and did not have enough work to keep them busy in overtime still had jobs.

So why me?

We’ve met with 31 people regarding layoffs.

I know it was said in an effort to soften the blow. I assumed, as would be natural, that the two of these people had been in meetings with 31 different people the previous day and that morning. I felt sorry for them, to have to deliver this news to that many people in a short amount of time. I found out later that 31 was a total number, as in a total of all layoffs. The three rounds total. This round was only 10. You can’t soften the blow with 10.

So why me?

I did just return from a vacation. But it had been approved. I would assume that if they disapproved, they would have told me, instead of telling me to go on so they could let me go when I got back. When I came to the office Tuesday, I saw that there had been people who were higher up placed on the project. That’s when I really thought I might be in trouble. Apparently they didn’t have enough work to do, so they took my place.

Someone suggested maybe it was because the person making the decision didn’t know me. Possible, maybe even probable. Out of an office of 300+ people, it’s hard to have a personal relationship with everyone, and it may surprise you to know that I haven’t paraded myself around shaking hands and meetings people since I started there.

Who made this decision anyway? If it wasn’t performance related, what was it? The other two laid off architects were hired around the same time as me. Did they just work their way backwards from the most recent hires? Or did they pull my number out of a rotating hamster wheel? Is that what they want me to think?

We hope to be able to hire you back in or around the first of September.

I took them as being sincere when they said that. I mean, they didn’t have to say it. Why would they lie? But what if they were kind of skirting the truth, like the 31 people thing? What if they meant, “We hope to hire you back in or around the first of September as a janitor?”

Based on my severance package, I think they’re being honest, but who knows.

I’ve been asked what I’m going to do. What am I going to do? I’ve filed for unemployment. It sounds nice to be a beach bum living off of the government. Hey – I’m just being honest. Summer really is the best time to be without a job.

Of course, I’ll be productive. I will help out with Olaria. Hopefully I can help that make some money. I will be studying for my ARE’s. Might as well get those over and done with. Getting things ready for buttercup will take up a good chunk of time. I will be doing some household stuff, kind of a househusband role, and, hopefully, I can have some time to do some things I’ve never taken time to do.

Oh yeah, and a job. Well, I have to agree to actively search for a job while on unemployment. So I’ll do that, too. I have some people that have already offered things to me, so that’s nice. Little things I think I can do from home. Even better. There are zero architecture jobs available in this country, so there’s nothing that would really help with my career. But there are several temporary positions available, and there’s always Starbucks. Or maybe I could get an outside job? It’s nice here in the summer… Whatever it is, I have to work out our budget before I make a decision there.

We’re so sorry. This sucks.

I don’t remember if that was said, but I’m pretty sure it should have been.

Ashley

belly pics and baby at 19 weeks

2009-04-03T14:29:00.004-04:00

For those of you who don't have facebook, these are for you. Which is probably only about 2 people, whose names are Tom and Paula. These are pics of little girl at 19 weeks and a couple of 22 week belly shots of me. The angle makes me look slimmer than I am...oh, the vanity shot. Enjoy!

Lady in the Street...

2009-03-02T15:02:00.002-05:00

Neighbors--
To whomever recovered the air-brushed unmentionable in the laundry this week,

I'M SO SORRY

Also, I'm slightly embarrassed even though I'm laughing about it. And to explain myself, I must add that they were a gag bachelorette gift that referenced a Ludacris song and not a personal note about my behavior inside the proverbial sheets. They only come out when it's past time to do laundry, but they ARE comfortable nonetheless. I hope that your unfortunate find gave you more of a laugh than just reason to be awkward in the stairwell.

Sincerely,

Your non-freakish neighbor,

Amy

fun with photobooth, part 2

2009-02-02T22:26:00.004-05:00

and now i have to change the blog login so ash can't delete this post...

fun with photobooth, part 1

2009-02-02T22:22:00.004-05:00

enjoy...

Winter Wonderland

2009-01-18T17:24:00.005-05:00

So Amy and I just moved (well, we're still in process) to Jamaica Plain, a neighborhood just to the south of Boston. We had grown tired of the Fenway because of Red Sox season, parking issues, landlord issues, parking issues, and Red Sox season. And landlord issues. It got to be too much.

But, we really liked JP - and it's really close to Amy's studio. There are a lot of people we like who live near here, too, so that's nice. We found an apartment on the second floor of this three story house. It's really awesome because it's right next to the Forest Hills Cemetery - I can see your face right now, but it's not like that. FH is a victorian cemetery, and it's really beautiful. (www.foresthillstrust.org) We can look out of our apartment and see woods and small gravestones in the distance. It's really quite nice. There are sculpture gardens, and a lot of people go for walks, run, there are concerts in the chapel, neighborhood events, etc.

We actually hired movers (a great thing) to move the heavy stuff. We had asked some friends to help us, but seeing as how the high Friday and Saturday was going to be somewhere between 6 and 13, we thought we'd keep our friends and hire movers.

It snowed today, so Amy and I took a break from unpacking boxes and went for a walk through the wintry cemetery. Here are some pics! The yellow house is where we live - second floor apt.

Christmas in Dixie...

2008-12-30T16:28:00.002-05:00

So it usually takes me longer than I would like to catch up on reading all my friends' blogs, much less writing in my own. Today has found me camped out on our couch all day with a ferocious cold. Apparently, being pregnant wipes out your immune system and leaves you hacky and snotty with nothing you can really do about it other than accumulate sympathetic apologies affixed to well wishes from the local pharmacist. And somehow, I leave CVS already feeling like a bad parent for wanting relief. What's up with that? Having just returned from our Christmas trip South, I had planned on jumping right back into the studio in preparation of my February wholesale show, among a current production schedule due out in late January. I had also thought I would come home rested and rejuvenated too. Definitely NOT the case for me. Feeling like ass is not something I am used to--Ash even called and set up doctor stuff for me with our insurance (which I had neglected to do in August) and make an appointment. I can usually get things running pretty well again in about 2 days, but this has had me flat exhausted for over a week now and I'm tired of it. Tie-Urd.

It's funny though, I have time to think like I don't normally think. Or wander into my usual disaster fantasies like the upcoming tax season, do I need another tax write off for this year or am I just in a spendy mood? What will I do about working in the studio and being prego? What will I do to keep cash coming in when baby actually arrives? Is our new place really going to be the shithole I imagine it will be? What if I never feel good again? What if it stays winter forever up here? Comical, Ash would say. But seriously, right? What IF?

Jumping tracks a bit, we did have the best time at home, despite my being sick and Ash taking such good care of me. I have been so thankful for that man over the last few weeks...much more than I can even say. He amazes me with his kindness and thoughtfulness...and keeping things together. Good man. *sigh* So anyway, we got to Bhm much earlier than we had planned b/c of the impending snow storm that was to hit Friday afternoon. We moved our 6pm flight to 6am to avoid being stuck in an airport most of the weekend. A good example of my neurotic brain working in our favor and a perfect opp to surprise Mom. It was fun to troll around telling people with our news, or them guessing it before we have a chance to say it (Su ;o), and even going to a party (Mistletoe Madness) and RMC and catching up with friends...and family. It was fun noticing all those little things about the South that we used to take for granted upon our re-entry: wide interstate lanes, no tolls, cheap parking, wide parking spaces, friendly hellos when we enter a restaurant, Chick-fil-A, good customer service, Bible-verse themed interstate signs next to Love Stuff themed interstate signs, Chelsea Christmas parades that involve Santa, Jesus, shetland ponies and karaoke, people who use turn signals for the direction they are turning (despite the fact that there are only 2 people occupying the 8 person vehicle), and believe it or not, less potholes. Much less. Even for Alabama.

Here are a few pics for your enjoyment of our niece and 2 nephews...

Suma-time/part 2

2008-10-09T09:47:00.005-04:00

These are just a few images from the latter part of our beach vacation before we headed to Bhm for Artwalk. Unfortunately, I didn't take any pics of Artwalk this year. And Ash had to go home on Saturday so he could be at work on Monday (boo that). I stayed in there for a few days to catch up with people before heading to a show in Chicago the next weekend...where Hurricane Ike's wind and record rainfall caught up with me in payback of having such a glorious time at the beach. Who's the sucka now...?

Bike rental in Rosemary is essential. When my family arrived the second half of the week, we had the best time cruising up and down the sidewalks on our 'new' bikes. This shot is on our way to Alys Beach to play at the Fonville Press.

I love this shot of Holly and me. This was one of the things I had looked forward to most in heading South in August. Time with my girl. *sigh*This is our sweet niece, Caroline. Who, when well rested, is the most delightful of little girls. We played on the 'grassy knoll' here in Alys for quite awhile and this shot I think captures a little bit of my hope for her as she grows up...

...And Holly and I just like to roll down the hill...together. :) and yes, we DO have action shots of this.

Oh how I miss J.Clyde and friends...this was a fun night. Thanks for showing up, guys!
One of my mom's and my favorite things is ice cream...so I think Caroline gets it honest. It's fun to be an aunt and get them tanked up on sweets before returning them home (sorry Heather). Kind of a little payback for growing up with Tommy. ;) and I know it will come back to me one day, I'm sure...

Suma-time/part 1

2008-10-09T09:37:00.007-04:00

This is from a short trip up to Portsmouth, NH. A day where we went to a waterpark (hilarity), to Hampton Beach, to Portsmouth, to LL Bean in Maine and then back home...all in about 14 hours. Fun times!

This picture is from the time we spent in Rosemary Beach, FL with Ash's family...albeit very brief (b/c some are more fearful of hurricanes than others, ;) ), we definitely loved our time with them...especially our nephews Noah (2.5) and Jonah (10 months).
This picture was taken less than 20 hours before Gustav hit about 100 miles down the beach from us. BTW: being that we were in the middle of the rain bands, we never saw a drop of rain in Rosemary Beach. Suckas.

A Bushel and a Peck...

2008-10-09T09:10:00.004-04:00

So Ash and I decided to go apple picking this past weekend...I mean, now that I am respectively DONE with most of my fall shows for a few weeks (I have had one every weekend from August until last weekend on both weekend days, not to mention being away from Ash for more than 10 days during Sept). Needless to say, the hubs is a trooper. (But I did treat him to the fleet foxes show here Monday night as well. Did I already say that it was amazing? B/c it was...

Having an actual Saturday off felt like the best vacation I've had in awhile. Here are some pictures to highlight our adventure. We also stopped by Salem, which is particularly cheesy this time of year...

If I find enough gumption to post more pics, I have quite a few from our McClure/Lucas vacation extravaganza in Florida and Birmingham to post later. yay!

the ballad of love and hate

2008-08-22T21:00:00.003-04:00

I know several of you may have been shocked to finally find a new post on our neglected little blog when you opened your google reader. I'm a little shocked to be blogging. I don't really have a reason to write much of an update on here. This summer has turned out to be much busier than I had intended it to be. I guess I'm a little thankful for that in some ways, but being that I feel so stressed with it, I'm not sure it's worth it. This isn't really the type of situation I was looking for with my "small business." I'm not sure what I'm looking for out of this situation other than helping out financially when I can. I love being able to help out with our finances.

As far as this little blog, I enjoy being able to put the general update out there...to not be as forgotten as we feel for those of you who care to read what we write. I hope to be able to catch up with those whom I miss the most on a more personal level and fall so short of even responding to most of my emails in any given week being that I get more than about 50 per day at this point.

I think the longer I go without putting anything out there, the less inclined I am to start up again. Much like my exercise regime. It's usually accompanied by a huge *sigh.* ...with potential failure and judgement looming in my future. I feel the weight of not doing the things I want/should do in these days. I have felt so consumed with my daily living, with my to-do list, that I forget the other things in life, like going to the store or being a wife. Being that the summers are so short here, I long to even be outside enjoying the weather and sunshine while I can. And day after day all I do is sit in my dark little studio, inhaling what dust and chemical I may only to make a little more money. By the way, I hate money.

I don't know where I'm going with this and I'm sorry for dragging you along. Overall, I think I like this place in life a little bit more than I did in our first couple of months, despite the continued hardness of it. I like how much closer Ashley and I have gotten as a couple here. I like our space. our garden. riding my bike to the studio on a sunny day. that my studiomates are so different. and so great. i love that Ash really seems to like his new job. i love that my friends are having a babies that we prayed for for so long. (and that I get to meet soon!) I love being able to take a class in anything I want to learn about. I love the option of going to a portuguese church service and eating pao de quejo on a regular basis. i love not owning a home. i love that a hot day here is 90 with 30% humidity, not 104 with 80% humidity. i love the good beer here. I love a realized and expanding potential of a city.

BUT

I hate being so far away when terrible things happen. i hate not knowing how to respond to pain. or death. or friends who are hurting. or loneliness. (i want to know how and to do it better.) i hate not seeing our niece and nephews regularly. I hate chasing down people here who say they want to be our friends but who, in actuality, have no time or space for new friends. I hate not ever seeing or knowing my neighbors. I hate not having a sense of community. I hate being far away from friends getting married that we hoped would sooner than they thought they would. I hate missing out on porch time...missing wine (or soco with susu) and porch time and thursday/friday nights with friends...any night with friends. i hate feeling as lonely as i do most days.

I guess these are just growing pains. Or maybe the fact that I downed sangria right after Ash left on a camping trip this weekend and have been watching Dr. Phil when I should be stringing jewelry b/c I have over 456 pieces that need to go out before we leave for the beach next week.

I can change jobs faster than you can kiss a duck.

2008-08-02T09:25:00.005-04:00

And that's pretty fast.

(This is a compilation of other info and thoughts I've been letting go of randomly, so forgive me if you've already portions of my spill)

I turned in my two week notice Friday. Exactly four months after I started. This is the least amount of time I've held a "real" job - I only worked three weeks at Walmart in college.

Goody Clancy (GCA) just wasn't a good fit for me. More so than any other firm I have worked at previously, their work is focus on one thing: making their clients happy. So, really, their designs aren't so much a reflection of how good their work can be. Rather, their work is a reflection of how good their clients can be at designing a building. I saw what I believe to be bad design decisions made simply because the client requested them. There was never any discussion about how to better achieve goals - whatever the client wanted, that's what they got. GCA is all about service, which is great. Our clients are, after all, footing our paychecks. However, I would rather be at a place that clients come to because of our expertise, our design, and our creativity. Not so much because we can follow orders.

[Below, a GCA designed atrium. Pretty un-interesting)

So how did I end up at GCA? Well, we had a house on the market, with an offer, and I had one job offer at the time. We wanted to make the move work, and so we made it work. GCA wasn't my first choice, but

it wasn't my last, either. I did like a few of their buildings - one of which they ended up not being the chief designer of, and who knows how the other one got built. I had been told that they had come from a long "dry spell" in design terms, but some people said they seemed to be coming out of that. I thought these two newer buildings were evidence of that. Maybe at least one of them is, but I'm not willing to wait 10 years for that to happen. I didn't see too much interesting design being done around the office in my tenure, nor was any presented to us in our weekly office presentations.

So, I'm starting work at Sasaki in two weeks. Sasaki seems different. Whereas GCA pretty

much does only higher-ed work and multi-family housing, Sasaki

does it all. And, they are a multi-disciplinary firm. So I'll be working directly with landscape architects, eco-tech experts, urban planners, etc. And the firm is all about collaboration between these fields - it's one of the reasons their designs end up being pretty good.

[Right, a Sasaki chapel. Much better.]

errr, who's winning the match..?

2008-06-19T16:32:00.005-04:00

You know...for two people to not care about sports much at all, we sure picked wrong city to move to. This was the scene in front of Ash's office today in celebration of the Celtics win last night. It's just too bad you can't see the blimp and helicopters swarming above...

2008-06-15T22:02:00.003-04:00

I've been reading this book with a friend lately. The quote struck me as I read it about 3 weeks ago and just kept rolling around me all weekend

"...we would go to church and receive, it might be, a true blessing of consolation from some passage of scripture, from one of the good old hymns, or from being together. And we would hear also a sermon in which {the pastor} would struggle again with his terrible duty and need to bring comfort to the comfortless, to say something in public that could answer the private fear and grief that were all around him, and he would mostly fail. We would shake his hand at the door as we went out, trying, I suppose, to console him for his wish to help what could only be endured..."

~Wendell Berry

from Hannah Coulter

No words.

2008-06-11T14:57:00.006-04:00

Yesterday, our dear friend Dewayne passed away. I don't think I have every been so shocked and pierced by such news in my entire life. I have been swallowed up in the grief of it and am still so shocked by it. To have lived only yards away for over a year and now to be so far away from you, Cheryl, makes me sadder still. Every fiber of my being just wants to be able to run across the street and weep with you on your porch b/c my heart is weeping for you and with you here. But my plane leaves early in the morning, so I have nothing to do now, but wait on it.I can't wait to just sit beside you and hold your hand, as if that could somehow transfer all of the grief and loss that you feel to me. If I could, I would do it in a heartbeat. I have no words to comfort you with, and I don't think I could even try. I can only think of how cruel it feels, how wrong, and how it pulls every light on in my own closet of fear and despair.

Our time Friday night on your porch and at dinner was sweet and I'm so thankful you made time for me while I was in town. What a gift to get to hug you both, to laugh with you guys and spend time together all night. That's all I've been able to think about. Even how my next post assignment was from Dewayne, "Scratch and sniff: Tattoos that smell." I loved his humor, his wit, and words of truth and care always in the mix. I loved how he loved you and publicly praised you simply because he knew you, always looking at you when he thought you weren't looking, just smiling. I loved his heartier laugh when something really tickled him during our sillier moments...how he would just grin when there were no words left to add as we wiped tears of laughter from his eyes. Our Friday nights on the porch with you both were always so rich as well. Thank you for sharing yourselves with us. For not being afraid to simply live your lives with us. I love that you moved into our neighborhood, but you moved into our hearts forever. Living life with you guys there was enough of a reason for us to never, ever sell our house (and I haven't stopped questioning our move yet). I felt the loss of our place there when I was in Bhm this past weekend, which now seems miles wider and deeper. I have to trust that there is Someone who spans that distance.

And I'm so sorry...

I'm SO sorry, my dear sweet Cheryl.

I'm heartbroken for you.

He was a good man. A very good man.

Professionally speaking...

2008-05-29T09:23:00.004-04:00

{Disclaimer: This is just a bit of an issue I've had mulling over in my head and are only incomplete thoughts. Read at your own risk!}

So I think going into business for myself started out as such a great idea. It has been a good thing, a bad thing, and has had about as many emotions as my marriage. And much like marriage, had I known exactly what I was in for on the forefront, I'm not sure I would have jumped in (so quickly). It's a relationship that I can't seem to break free of and it has kind of become its own person of sorts. It has its demands, it weaknesses and strengths, its highs and lows, and as much as I love it, I hate it. It's exhilerating and draining and I can't walk away. At least right now. I really didn't want to blog about business unless I had a business blog of sorts, but here it is. Part of it is being a woman in business. That is not something I think I thought much about when I began but has become more of a part of its identity than I thought it should. Being the the nature of business is making money at the end of the day, it seems like women are often expected to be accomodating rather than profitable. Unless you are a pimp, I guess. And I didn't file 501(c)(3) for a reason...

I say that because in my experience in the South more so than what I have found here in New England, dealing with customers and fellow artists takes on a much different tone. I realize that is a huge generalization and that I'm probably speaking more about women rather than our geographical placement. However, I am glad to be free of much pretense there is for being professional and getting paid without other women thinking that I am stepping all over their high heels or infringing on their right to creativity. Or imagine for a moment that you own a store and I ask you to kindly pay for the items you purchased from me, request that you not write me another bad check, or call you out for giving me the same sad excuse for not being able to pay (which has nothing whatever to do with our business relationship). I didn't realize I was here to make your business profitable before my own. Sheeze. This doesn't make me a bi-atch, but rather quite savvy on the bottom line of what we've agreed we're doing here. Or if you ask for my 'professional' opinion, I'm going to assume you genuinely want to know what I think in regard to said particular issue, show, item or how you created something. It's also just an opinion. I also realize that my personality plays into this particular aspect of the situation, which often enough gravely clouds my intentions, of which are not ruthlessness and spite.

What is the point of saying weightless words and having pointless conversations like that? Don't get me wrong, I'm not looking for an opp to be mean or tear someone a new one, but there is a lot to be said for being tackfully honest and knowing where you stand with someone. I sincerely hate conflict, but I know walking through it is often the quickest way to get to where we both want to be...I guess now I'm speaking about things other than just business, but that's where I've felt a lot more freedom of late. I think my most vibrant relationships have seen their share of conflict, but also resolution and understanding...and closeness.

I don't know. I've just been thinking a lot about that lately and I wouldn't say I'm done with that thought, but just putting it out there. There are a LOT of things I'm not saying here as I feel like this is a lot more multi-faceted as it appears on the your screen.

Three.

2008-05-28T16:37:00.004-04:00

...Oh it's a magic number...

I think I prefer the original version of that song to the newer Lemonheads version, but you can have a different opinion if you like. School house rock definitely rocked and I know I loved any opp to watch a video in class, save for the projector types. Something inevitably went wrong and though we would get all excited about doing something other than spelling words (or worse, science), when my teacher would lose patience and kill the filmatic festivities for the day. The best days were the rainy days that included videos though. Ahhh, I can almost smell the crayons and old carpet of my middle school. I could write blogs and blogs about those days, but I shall spare you...for now.

Where was I? Oh yeah. Three. Today marks mine and Ash's THREE year wedding anniversary. It seems like much longer and much shorter all at the same time. I remember the day so well. Right up until I walked into the church. Thank God for DVRs, am I right? What I love about being married to Ashley is his heart. He teaches me so much in how he loves people, and really cares about them. His expression of it is imperfect, of course. I think anytime God tries to show His face in us outwardly, there is enough of us that gets in the way. But he is sincere, tender and tough (most of you are familiar enough with his wit as well). He is not afraid to love what and who he loves. It's hard for me to imagine my life without him or really remember myself before him at times. I have found understanding and companionship with him that were only promises, and still are this side of heaven. I feel like I can see more clearly the heart of God b/c of our relationship. For those of you who know me, it's hard to be that ooshy about it, but that's how I feel. Yay.

And here is a pic from our Memorial Day trip up the coast to Rockport, a quintessential New England fishing village on Cape Ann. It was a most perfect weekend to get away here and though the temperature was incredible, the water was ICY, so no swimming, with exception of the man in the bikini style speedo. The train ride back was entertaining as a certain yokel cursed the MBTA the entire way back, paused with intervals of opera-esque stylings, and other passengers got pissed off about not being able to move away from her since the train was so full. Fun times.

If you want more info on Rockport, click here.

Cheers.

New Post

2008-05-19T17:14:00.007-04:00

So I had my first show here in Boston this weekend, along with some really nice weather, even though this has been a very cold spring. Wearing my "big coat" on May 15th is not my idea of spring weather, so it felt great to have a few hours in a tank top. Woot woot. The show went pretty smoothly, made some cash, even met some friends, so I had a pretty productive go of it. I feel like I'm coming out of a little bit of the winter of discontent I've been in since we arrived. Cabin fever takes on a whole new meaning up here. People don't seem to take a moment of good weather for granted. It was nice to have a bit of somewhat sincere socializing this weekend with everyone out and about. It's funny to talk about the weather here. In the South, it seems kind of arbitrary and boring to do it, but here people can't help but talk about it b/c it either sucks or is awesome. Funny like that. There are just as many strange people that come to these craft shows here as down South. Strange people, and not the kind that ask why my stuff doesn't have stars and moons on it or tell me what I should be doing with my craft. And they say really awkward things, which is definitely more enjoyable if Ash is there to laugh with me silently. There was also a chick that made 'unique' dog collars and had them displayed on her fake life-size dog at her booth. The entertaining part of it was watching every dog that walked by it sniff its ass, and couple of small dogs actually tried to mount it, which didn't work on a number of levels. Two dogs even started fighting over it. Okay, so maybe we were bored.

Last weekend, we got to hang out with our good friends Gene and Laura. We had fun doing a little "andare a zonzo" up and down the red line and through the North End. We found a great pastry shop too. This pic is us on the dock...and sadly, the first time Ash and I have seen the water despite living right beside it. Sheeze! He's the guy on the right who looks like Mr. Rogers...

The rest are of us enjoying our cannolis. MMM!

Weekend, I prefer the WEEKend

2008-05-09T10:41:00.002-04:00

So it's Friday and I'm more excited than I should be since my 'work week' is not the 8-5p I was accustomed to loooong ago. I think b/c my husband is strapped into that (rather the 9-6p, or 9-8p of late), that may explain my excitement. And he is really my only friend here right now, I have really enjoyed getting more face time with someone during the weekend than I get all week. He just laughs at my freakish bounding when he comes through the door in the evenings. Not that I wouldn't enjoy him, or didn't in Bham where I was surrounded by friends and having wine on the porch all the time, but I think I really appreciate my time with him now. Funny how we tend to take those closest to us so for granted, and so gradually, it seems. And I am homesick in the Brazilian sense of the word for my friends and family. Saudade. I have no wine and I have no porch, but I do have friends coming into town tomorrow, so that's a very good thing. Albeit, a little more temperate than the wine on the porch crowd ;). And our friend David was in town earlier this week; Upon seeing him, I think I bear hugged him harder than I expected to just b/c I realized how much we had missed him (and his sweet wife, though she was not able to make it, sadly). Maybe I hugged him on her behalf too. One of my studio mates made the comment to me later this week "good friends are not so plentiful that we can take them for granted." Amen.

I know we'll meet people and make new friends here, but this is not the auto-atmosphere that we had in college, or in our neighborhood, no church that we are committed to yet, & we are living amongst Northeasterners, who don't always warm as quickly as our Southern counterparts, so I'm learning to be patient. In some conversations we've had with people, it seems they think we were supposed to have arrived with more of a game plan than we did and already be so connected and 'swimming.' I mean, WHY else would we move? I would settle for just a good dog paddle. All the reasons we moved get muddled in my mind. Don't get me wrong, I know our weaknesses in pursuing others, but I have to have hope that we're not rushing what is developing here in such a lonely little valley.

And now, I have to go clean. And clean a much smaller space than I had in Bhm, which is also a very good thing. :)

Andare a Zonzo

2008-04-28T19:02:00.005-04:00

I guess it's time for me to mark my territory here on mcclurelife.

Back in college, I went on a two-month trip to Europe with others in the architecture program. It was a great trip, but we did make the trip with Prof. Zorr. Zorr was a strange bird - he would make some kind of weird siren sound when he saw something he didn't like, and an equally weird yet distinct siren sound when he saw something he liked. He wore the same outfit everyday - a white turtleneck, khaki pants, and a blue blazer. Except for Fridays, when he came in a ratty pair of overalls and a blue sweatshirt jacket. Every week. This was our tour guide through the grand boulevards of Paris and the canals of Venice.

So Zorr came up with this "theme" for our tour: Andare a Zonzo, which he translated as "to walk around aimlessly." You ask me, a bunch of college students don't require structured aimlessness, it just kind of happens.

It was an interesting theme, and part of me wonders if ole Zorr just didn't want to come up with anything for us to do, and so stuck with a theme of not having one. The weird thing was, I feel like I was able to really get a better feel for the people, the city, the food, etc. when I wasn't given a minute-by-minute itenerary.

Now we're in a new city, and it feels a lot like wandering around aimlessly (which Zorr called "zonzoing.") We get lost every time we venture outside of our known area, and it's frustrating. But, we are getting to know our city, our people, just by driving/walking around. We've discovered the best things when we didn't plan on it, when we weren't in control. There's something helpful (and hopeful) about that.

- ashley

Mary, Mary, Quite contrary...

2008-04-27T22:24:00.004-04:00

So we were able to secure a small plot of earth in the Fenway Victory Garden area near our apt. A little history on the area is that it's the oldest continually run public garden in the United States, beginning in 1940's. It's also an Frederick Law Olmstead designed project and part of the Emerald Necklace, a series of connected parks within the Boston area that he did in the 20's. His firm also designed the Highland Park area of Birmingham. Anyway, we are pumped to get to be a part of making our neighborhood beautiful, but also getting to know the other people who have spaces down there too (and hopefully save some $$ on groceries). Apparently, there is even a fensfest, which is like a huge bbq during the summer.

So we arrived at our new space Saturday to find a great surprise of flowers already in bloom in our little space, thanks to former 'owners.' Though we are to do all the work in our area, it's still just a rental, so we planned on reusing as much as we could. Luckily, there was also a brick pathway we dug up and re-formed so that we could make room for all the veggies we want to plant. And there were even several tools left, which totally rocked b/c we left so much of that kind of stuff in Bhm. Here's how it looked when we arrived on Saturday...

My favorite part of our new space. TULIPS...and lambs ear. :)

After about $100 and 8 hours of work later, this is how it looked when we left today...

Oh, and the area we covered up will soon be our vegetable patch, so we moved all the other original plantings that weren't near the tulips over to that side as one big grouping.

Below is a pic of my favorite garden in the FVG. This guy has been at it for years.

So that's a little bit of what we did this weekend. What did you do? I would love some comments on what to plant. I am really missing my Cheryl and SuSu and their green thumbs living right next door! Particularly some tomato advice. I also have swiss chard, spinach, mesclun, carrots, broccoli, summer and winter squash, basil, and of course, rosemary. I do want to plant a few more flowers and such...

Out of Office

2008-04-24T12:41:00.005-04:00

So today seems a little brighter. I think moving my "office" to ULA Cafe is better than sitting inside our dark little apt every morning. I linked it here if you want to check it out. ULA! It's funny--I'm less than 1/2 mile from the Sam Adams Brewery from my studio (and is on the other side of the building from ULA), but you'd never know it b/c it's such a modest building in the middle of a neighborhood. Somehow I would expect some neon somewhere, but maybe old Sammy is just a step above the rest...The whole area around here is very unassuming as well. This particular place reminds me of the Pepper Place area, but bigger...and this little cafe was such a welcome oasis from the myriad of Starbucks and Dunkin' Donuts on every corner. Blech. If America runs on Dunkin' then we are screwed.

I don't have much to say this morn, as I usually end up figuring out what I'm writing as I sit here, much like how I process my thoughts in any conversation. Nothing comes to mind that I should bore you with today so I'll write more later.

Maybe I'll try to figure out how to post pics...? Don't be hating on them either, I took some where we still didn't have all of our junk put up yet. It's hard to go from 1500sf to 600sf! Comments on each pic is below it...

This is what you see when you walk into our apt and do a 180...
This is the view from our hallway into the living room. The kitchen is next to it, but apparently I didn't take a pic of it...yet.
This is the view into our alcove from the LR. This is also the room that you guys can shack up in when you come stay with us. I even put up curtains for privacy...haha. These pictures look so junky now that I've posted them...
This is my studio. Which IS junky...but that's how I roll. This is shot from the far wall from where you come in.
This is another shot of where the magic happens...
This is the outside of our building...I love that we have birds on it, which I found out are called Griffins. The irony would be conceiving little Griffin here sometime next year...or next. or the next...
And this is where we are relative to downtown Boston...
And a zoomed shot of what we see from our apt.

So I hope you enjoyed the slideshow. I'll post some pics of the green monstah and some of the red sox action at some point as well. I know I have those pics, but I'm not sure where they are...

Oh, and I learned some html code for updating my website if you get the chance to peruse the store...www.olariastudio.com

...Rub a Dub Dub

2008-04-22T11:05:00.003-04:00

A hot shower is one of the sexiest things there are in this world. And if cleanliness is next to godliness, then I am feeling pretty saint-like this morning. Blessed are the pipes that bring hot water! Okay, so I know I'm being really dramatic right now, but that's how amazing I feel after having previously gone two more days without a good, steamy shower...One of the many facets of Birmingham life I took for granted. Others like having my own washer and dryer and not having to dig someone else's undies out of the washer before putting my own in...or paying upwards of $5 just to do one load, half dried. Or having to go move my car from the amazing parking space I fought for just so city sweepers may or may not come by and sweep...(though that would have been a treat in Bhm...).

I guess there are trade offs as well. There is a lot more 'music' in my daily world as I make my way around town here...walking, of course. They are often the moments I wish I had one of you guys here to eyeball with silent chuckles...someone who can appreciate them with me. ;)

There is the guy on the Yawkey bridge right past the stadium that plays his electric guitar, mini amp and all, any time there is a home game. I have heard several renditions of motorhead, ac/dc (etc) songs over the past few weeks on my way to the trains, right down to the vocals. This guy knows his audience. Then there is the guy who sits in our particular T stop that loves to play the themes from the 1960's Willy Wonka on his cello, which ends up feeling as creepy as the boatride b/c haunting echo it has in the station. There is another man who has made a song out of asking for change next to the stadium, who actually has quite a range. Next we have the random jam fest of hippies and any passerby that will join in with sticks, spoons, tambourine, paper cup drum and the like at pretty much any common square you come to. In Davis square this past weekend, there was even a group of musicians playing an array of Old Crow and possibly some Avett Brothers in the square, but had to stop when someone wasn't staying in "D" long enough for the 'vocalist'...which I'm not sure was in any key at all. Finally, another favorite is the red line train stations, which typically have someone who seems to know a bit more about what they are playing (classical of course) and actually sound really nice...appropriate for all the classy people taking the trains from there up to Harvard and such. It almost feels like those scenes in Amelie. Beautiful. I love how eclectic it all is and am glad that I can understand this city a little bit through its music...

...And I'm CLEAN!

...More

2008-04-21T10:19:00.003-04:00

Today is Patriots Day here in New England, our "extra holiday" of sorts--jealous? It should be fun, except for the fact that my husband still has to work today. Boo. There is a marathon and all kinds of festivities around the city, apparently...and of course, a game at the green monstah. Outside my window, I can hear the locals getting all riled up. I, however, have not gotten out of my bathrobe yet to go see what all the fuss is about. I know I should be out and about exploring my new city, which I have done a little bit, but I'm just not there yet. I'm not sure why I'm not. I hate that I sound like Debbie Downer here, as I have every reason NOT to be. It's just not as much fun to explore stuff by yourself either. I feel like every word out of my mouth is criticism of our new place. (Well, you would be complaining if you realized that "heat and hot water included" really meant heat no higher than a 60 degrees for winter months and water no hotter than 80 degrees at best). Coming from owning your own place (and all those problems you own with it), it's very hard NOT to get frustrated b/c you can't control even getting a hot shower. I think this is called transition and I don't think I'm very good at it. It feels like a huge step backward for us. I miss our house and our neighbors and our friends and I'm wondering why we moved here. Nothing seems better at all. But I have to wonder if it really was supposed to be better, if not just different, even in ways we don't like. We have fallen into the metropolis lie and lost our way. I know there are good things to see and I can't right now. I am reading this and know I come across completely over-dramatic but I have to be honest in saying I'm not going to just put on a happy face and be okay with it. There should be a top five coming later.

We visited a church yesterday and it was okay. They had a missionary speaker from Brazil there, which seemed to distract me from my anger about having to get another cold shower that morning. He spoke plainly, without the cool and regulated tones of pastors I've learned to tune out. Which is why I think I heard him...after telling us about his wife having had Alzheimer's for over 9 years and that this was his first 'break' from her in that time, he talked a little bit about having an eternal perspective in living...something I know I've lost sight of and what made me rethink my current wailings a bit. I know there is peace in that kind of hope. But looking back over the last few years, that seems to be the last place I go in my heart, in my progression of faith. Returning from Brazil the last time was so hard for so many reasons, but I think I just felt so awful, so much like a failure, and things got so dark, that I think I just gave up on following as persistently as I had in years prior. I felt so blind-sided; it didn't seem like it was worth the pain and part of me is ashamed for letting one person affect me so much. I think things just got a lot more cloudy and light for me too want to make definitions for how I was going to be, and I ended up just living in distraction, ignoring my own brokenness and shaming others for theirs.

I have fewer distractions here, I'm seeing. It's easy to make the 'few' quite large...and quite ridiculous. And now that it's quieter, relatively speaking (there IS a stadium 300 yards from my apt window), it's hard to not listen a little more to His still small voice wanting me to converse with Him...kind of like we used to...but more. There's got to be more.

there are rox in my sox

2008-04-08T17:31:00.003-04:00

okay, so crazy has descended upon our neighborhood. what was a mere mention in my former post has become a "holy shit" in my world today. i stepped out of my front door moments after my earlier post only to find strange and familiar sights and sounds around me: sox fans...by the drones. the aroma of dip cans and hot dogs filled the air amid the cold and sweaty mass rushing toward the stadium--filling every sidewalk and roadway this side of mass avenue. helicopters swirled above and tiny prop planes circled with their banner-ads and i almost thought i was back in panama city beach...yeehaw. it wasn't until the fighter jets did their fly-by that i was convinced how mad this city truly is. after re-routing myself to another t station for my downtown errands, (since my usual one requires me to walk down yawkey way, the veritable runway of crazy), i found the whole entire city to be consumed with these red sox.

i like all kinds of sox and i'm not sure i'm going to be devoted to red ones more than any other kind. after all, what if i want to wear purple...?

Settling in...I think.

2008-04-08T09:02:00.002-04:00

So I am about to unpack the last box and I have to say, moving from a 1400sf house to a 600sf apt is quite a feat for two people who can't (normally) throw anything away. And by two people, I mean one..me. But I have, and I still have a lot more to toss. Our little place looks a lot more homey, but you'll have to wait for pics until I figure out how to post them...or take the time. I still can't find our camera, so there's that...

This is a very cool neighborhood. This weekend Ash and I got to explore it a bit more. I think we may just make concentric circles out from here. Being that we live in 'the fens' we have to walk right past the Fenway ticket office every time we go to the trains...and tonight is opening night on the home field. They've been getting ready for it since last Tuesday and there has been an increasing amount of crazy swaggering around in its Sox gear. So, we have eaten at some of the best places, and they are even in our neighborhood...mexican, greek, italian, american bistro, sushi...and that's just Fenway. We did find the Ikea, in case you were wondering, but only for storage purposes, though I must admit a tiny bit of calm did wash over me as we walked through the familiar maze of royal blue and sunshine. ;) Sad.

The people. We have met some of the nicest people here, surprisingly. Everyone talks about how rude north easterners are, and I'm sure they can be. Helpful would be the best word I could use to date. I anticipate future altercations, but so far, even having to continue to deal with municipal employees in Bhm for a couple of our wrap-up issues have been much harder to deal with than anyone I've met so far here at City Hall. I LOVE the accent or rather, that is always surprises me to hear it so thick and at times, a lot like Peter Griffin, which only makes me smile. It has made it's way into conversation-relay for both Ashley and myself instead of our usual "he/she said" accent and I'm sure will easily trickle into our dialect without our realizing it...kind of a bastardized cotney. Oh, I should mention that I've learned three new words this week that are all racially derogatory in ways I did not expect or know previously. All of which Ashley has told me I cannot repeat, no matter how fun they may be to say. Damn.

This blogging thing is hard for me...not knowing who is reading this. I haven't gotten to the point of not caring yet. There is what I want to write and what there is to write...what's more real or what's more real for me. So I think I'll stick to a little play by play for now and hopefully it will evolve.

Bahs-tahn

2008-04-01T13:59:00.002-04:00

Well, we're here...but that's about all I can say at the moment. I'm sitting in the middle of piles of our junk in what could one day become our living room. I spent the last four days with my in-laws in constant presence and am glad to be alone for a moment...unjudged. Moving in wasn't as bad as I thought it would be, but parking is--our current tickets total $40 for day one. Sheeze! Good thing we sold our house before we left.

My brain is really fuzzy with all this and I still don't think it's hit me that we are here...we are moved. Although you'd think it would have occurred to me what with all the disarray around me now. I will post pictures when I have a second (and figure out how).

irony of hope

2008-03-23T20:28:00.005-04:00

Sooo. We leave Bhm in 6 days...and I have SO much to do. Every time I go to pack something up, it seems like it's too much to pack up at once, so I go do something else, like laundry. And then I remember that I was supposed to be packing, so I go back and forth between unfinished tasks all day. And then people stop by and (though I love love love it) I get so distracted all over again. How I know I'll long to be distracted two weeks from now...which is probably why you'll see more posts start appearing. If I can pull myself out of the fetal position long enough to type anything. ;)

There's so much to look forward to in this move...a fresh start of sorts. It's easy to think that I will be someone else in Boston...that Ashley will too. We WANT to be, so why wouldn't we be, am I right? Part of what initiated this move is the feeling that we were far too settled and far too stuck where we are in our little community of work and play. Now as I pack up our days and fold away the memories of labor and love we have poured into this home, I'm not so sure that was a bad thing.

Being that today is Easter and though I feel like we have just ignored it this year in this busy moving season, I find that there is hope stirring in my heart, what has felt numb for quite some time now. It's ironic to see it, even feel it there. It seems all joy comes with sorrow and though I long for change in my own life, it seems like forever getting there. It's easier to think that things will fall apart before they get better at every turn. Ashley sees it as my little storm cloud and I'm reluctant to give it up--even in the face of God's goodness b/c somehow I will still be right if it all falls through. "HA! I knew it, God!" says the storm cloud in my brain. But...I hope that I will hope.

Day one

2008-03-19T10:24:00.000-04:00

Well, www.stayclassy.blogspot.com was taken, so this is what we got. I hope you look forward to reading about our shananigans since we've joined you cool kids and your blog-o-whirl...but I can't promise we'll update often...I mean, with all the fun we'll be having. Haha. Seriously though. ;)